Sexy Time: First Date Nookie

I fail to see anything wrong with having sex on the first date.

This flies in the face of conventional dating wisdom. Apparently, first date sex is so much more than “I think you’re sexually attractive and I would like to do it with you.” No, apparently boning on the first date means that you’re slutty, that you’re not interested in getting to know the other person, that it completely ruins any chance at a lasting relationship. I’m not sure where these ideas have come from, but they are definitely not universal truths. There are a lot of dynamics that come into play when sex and relationships are concerned, and most of them are completely socially constructed. If you go out with someone, and you have a delightful time, and the sparks are flying, and you end up naked and entangled in each other, that in and of itself does not doom your relationship.

What causes a relationship to either fail or succeed after this point is completely up the parties involved. If one or both people have absorbed the incredibly dysfunctional and reductive notion that there is a difference between people you date and people you f*ck, and never shall the two intersect, then of course having sex early on is not going to work out. It is a conscious choice to not consider someone you have sex with to not be dating material¬† There is that terrible phrase, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” that never ceases to make me cringe, but unfortunately, perfectly sums up a lot of people’s dating philosophy. But really, is sex really supposed to be the ultimate goal of a relationship? Isn’t a relationship supposed to be based on mutual respect, companionship, support, and encouragement, among many other things? Having sex with someone does not at all hinder the possibility of cultivating all of these things.

I’ve been the victim of someone’s unfortunate “hit it and quit it” mentality, and when he promptly blew me off (after I blew him, natch), I totally did blame myself. I bought into slut shaming. I rationalized that what he did was okay, and I didn’t deserve a chance at a real relationship with him because I was willing to get naked with him. I was seriously pained over it, until I realized that I did nothing wrong, and in fact, he was the douchebag in this situation. I was just as interested in getting to know him as a person as I was in getting to know his penis, but, you know, the latter can be done a little more quickly. But just because I’m willing to go all the way on the first date doesn’t mean that I am at all unable to be interested in a monogamous, healthy relationship. The two concepts are not at all mutually exclusive, and it is unfortunate that we live in a society that continues to perpetuate stale, slut shaming ideas that do nothing at all to encourage healthy, positive ideas towards sex.

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