Kvetchion? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He broke up with me because I was too “emotionally unsound”, but in reality I found out he cheated on me. He denied it, and for whatever reason I wanted to believe he was actually a good person and it was just a rumor. Though I still became kind of upset. And that is the reason there was any emotional craziness coming from me. By that point, I knew for a while that we should break up, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. We hung out every once in a while (and slept together a few times…’cause I was an idiot). Anyways, that’s not the point.
Eight months later, I was hanging out with one of my friends, and the topic of my ex boyfriend came up. This friend of mine told me the truth (he found out because he was cheating on his girlfriend with one of the best friend’s of the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with). At this point I became FURIOUS. I have never been so angry at the world before. My feelings were, “I can’t believe there are people in the world that do things that will obviously cause other people so much pain.” Cheating was honestly the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with (boy was I wrong). So I told him that I never wanted to see him again.
A month ago, I finally realized that in order to no longer be so angry I have to forgive him (which sucks, but as soon as I realized that I felt so much better). And then he randomly facebook messaged me. I replied, because I didn’t want to be rude. And we hung out, to talk, because I had a list of questions that I wanted answered (such as: Why did you cheat on me? Why with her? Did you ever actually love me? Etc.). But he STILL denied it. And that pissed me off again.
So I have some questions for you Tuffy…
First, I realize I did a lot of stupid things regarding him in the past, is there anything I am doing wrong now? Anything I should be doing better?
Where do you think i should go from here? (p.s. I have a class with him next month).
Why in the flippity flap is he still denying it? …The only reason I can come up with is that he thinks he can make his way back into my life enough that I’ll have sex with him again.
And lastly, this has kind of made me a jadded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?
You are awesome.
Dear Angry Bitterness,
Welp, you know people cheat. Your friend who told you knew because HE was cheating. Why, Angry Bitterness? Why are people so uncool?!
Every week, Tuffettes, I read your emails and I wish wish WISH people didn’t cheat. Sometimes, as in Angry Bitterness’s case, it’s the guy cheating, and sometimes it’s the girl cheating. Either way, I just want to scream–BREAK THE FLOOP UP!!! Wouldn’t that be easier than sneaking around behind each others’ backs?! And it would certainly save a lot on both heartbreak and money for STD tests.
But, hey, back to you.
Angry Bitterness, you are not doing anything wrong. But I think you need to readjust your thinking.
This guy is probably lying. However, did you consider the (very unlikely, I’ll grant you) possibility he may actually be telling the truth?
I mean, the convoluted way in which you found out–through a friend who is cheating with the supposed cheater’s cheatee’s best friend–makes it a little hard to verify. And, I mean, you caught the guy. Isn’t it just vaguely, vaguely possible he DIDN’T cheat?
For the record, I think he did.
But it’s worth it to consider, I think. I mean, the fact is, the two of you are not together anymore. He broke up with you before all this nonshoop. If I were you, I’d go get tested for STDs (just in case!), decide to assume he probably didn’t cheat, and then move on with your life. No responding to emails or texts or Facebook messages or whatever it is you kids do these days. This guy is just another ex now. Forget him, forgive him if you must, and move on.
As for your class with him–well, don’t sit near him. Be polite but NOTHING MORE. Don’t talk to him. Don’t be friendly, but don’t be cold. Just treat him as you would any other casual classmate: polite and silent.
Finally, there’s a third part to your question, which I totally love: “And lastly, this has kind of made me a jaded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?”
YES advice. Advice is: DON’T be jaded. That’s really all there is. People bounce back from MUCH MUCH worse things than a college boyfriend who may or may not have cheated. Give yourself a little more time to mourn if you absolutely must and then CHOOSE to be cheerful. And, yes, in a pretty mild situation like this, it is absolutely your choice. CHOOSE to smile, CHOOSE to get rid of the toxic people and energy in your life, and CHOOSE to live your life in as positive a manner as you possibly can. I promise, that will make all the difference.
Hearts & Skulls,
Kvetchion? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.