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The Bachelorette: Feelings…


Okay Ashley, I get it. You’re ready to get married, start a new life … and just now, are realizing that to do so the man you’re going to marry should probably be interested in you. And another thing, enough with the feelings talk, I’m falling asleep faster than you were when Ryan went off on his water heater tangent. Let’s be real, you were out like a light before he finished his bottomless water heater speech.

Girlfriend needs to get in check, just this week she allegedly slept with two guys, was dumped by another one, AND rejected a fourth one. Clearly homegirl has her hands full, but don’t worry I’m here to break it all down for you.

Threesomes in Fiji: 

This week our favorite lady dentist got three one on one dates, which means, if you’ve been paying attention, the men tell all is this Sunday and the finale is a week from yesterday (a little bit excited? Yeah me too).

Her first one-on-one was with Ben F. They went on a boat during the day where they rubbed each other down with sun screen and Ashley tried to convince him to kiss her toe. They were able to keep their day date nice and light, it wasn’t until the night that things started getting deep…the guy who once referred to love as “the L word” is finally coming around. With remarks like “I’m available today” or that he’s “coming around to this whole ‘I love you thing'” — all things that I’m sure put Ash at ease. But then again, he did accept a rose, and spent the night with Ash in a big bed, so maybe homeboy has just been getting some selective editing.

The second one-on-one was a doozy. Well, first it was with Constantine … so I’m sure girlfriend was already confused when she opened the door to Ben F.’s look-a-like. The high-light of the date, for me, was when he apologized for his “Euro Mullet” hair do. Their day date was spectacular: they went on a helicopter ride (*cough* stolen from Brad’s date with Ash *cough*) to a gorgeous island where they swam under a waterfall and talked about, you guessed it, feelings. Not only did she confront him on how many houses he looked at before he settled (108), but then laid it out. She needs someone more emotional and willing to just dive into a relationship, I mean this is The Bachelorette after all … shouldn’t that be a requirement? The night part of the date didn’t end so well, Constantine rejected the fantasy suite card and Ashley all in one fell swoop. With that, the twin departed to go back to his greek roots and find a nice greek girl to marry.

Finally, after a half an hour of being cock blocked by the president, it’s JP’s one on one. The date we’ve all been waiting for.  The light romantic music picks up, we see a jump into the arms spin around hug. It’s clear they are in love. They hop into a plane together and set off for a private island stay, after some interesting underwater movements JP gets to confessional time: “When I look at Ashley I see the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with,” and of course ABC follows it up with Ash’s comment: “When I look at him, I feel like I could smile forever.”  I’m going to save you from the rest of the detailed date, just know that it gets even more sickly sweet AND Ash is seen in a see-through shirt with a black lingerie set underneath. Oh JP totally went for the fantasy suite…pretty sure he didn’t even breathe until she took out the note card.

One is a lonely number: 

The surprise Bachelor was none other than Ryan, the crazed water heater guy. The one who brought Ash to tears, than spent 10 minutes trying to fake cry on camera, asked Chris Harrison if he could come back and ask beg Ashley for a second chance. It was more awkward than the time Fergie peed on stage. After three days of walking on the same beach and looking meaningfully into the ocean he got his answer. Which was a big fat No.

An Unnecessary Rose Ceremony:

Even though Ash was left with two roses and two men she still held a ceremony, because she now saw that for this to work the men had to actually like her back. Weird, right?

Up Next:

Sunday: Men tell all, not only do we get some more Bentley, but the Masked Man (Jeff) is back as well!

Monday: The finale! The boys meet Ashley’s family and perhaps a proposal?

Starbucks is my religion and Seventeen is my bible.