Ask A Dude: How Do I Know If I’m Doing It Right?

Hey Dude,

I recently (as in a few days ago) had sex for the first time, with the guy that I am dating. It really hurt, but he was patient with me. Round two the next morning felt better, but still hurt a bit.

But that’s not my problem. What’s kinda worrying me is that he’s so quiet during sex, and during foreplay. Even when I go down on him!

It’s not what I was expecting, his breathing doesn’t seem to get heavier during the deed, unless he’s just about to come. I’m not expecting him to be moaning at the top of his lungs or anything, but a bit of feedback would certainly help me to know that I’m getting the hang of things. And considering he said I’m really good at going down on him, is it fair to expect some noise?

I’m trying to make sure we tell each other what we want and what we’re willing to do, because I think that’s really important (and if there’s anything College Candy blogs have taught me, its that communication with your partner makes things easier and better). So I tried to talk to him about it in a light-hearted way, telling him its okay to make a bit of noise and that no one’s going to hear him (I live in a shared house with friends), and that I find it hot when guys lose a bit of control and let go, and he just said he’s a quiet guy and pretty much dropped the subject.

So, does it sound like its him, or me?? I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but as this is all new to me I don’t want to feel insecure either. How can I approach this subject (again) with him?

Sincerely,

Newbie

Dear Newbie,

Some are quiet, some are loud, some are scared, and some are proud. Some are smart and some are dumb, but there’s no need to worry if he’ll always cum!

The proof’s in the “pudding.” You get him off, regularly, the sex part of your relationship is progressing, and you’ve kept the lines of communicado openado. Now you have to believe that it’s really not you.

If he didn’t splooge then, yeah, that’s a physical sign that might be traced to your technique (or to his own fear of his orgasm). But he does. And he comes back for more. You’ve gone about this is in a really healthy way it sounds like. Now STOP!

Look, most people like approval. We all enjoy positive feedback and like to know that we’re giving as good as we’re getting (or even being better at it). If he says that he’s just the quiet type and you’ve been able to trust him up to now, then there’s no reason to doubt. You’re thinking in terms of “supposed to” and that’s where self-sabotage or unrealistic expectations can start to grow. You’re not doing that yet but you’re starting to tip-toe into that territory.

I won’t lie to you. There are some guys who grin and bear it when it comes to blowjobs. Unfortunately, not all men are satisfied with how their gals perform the operation. And they’re too scared to say anything. Usually, they’re too scared because they don’t trust their partner to handle it, they want to protect them, etc. From what it sounds like though, you guys are pretty open with each other and are comfortable talking turkey (sex turkey?) so I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

Worst case scenario, see if he’d be open for a polygraph?

Seriously, though, if you take him past the boiling point then that’s a pretty good indicator he likes what you’re doing. I mean, do you have too many complaints from him when he gets you off all the time?

Don’t sweat. Don’t overanalyze. Let it go and let it flow and most of all: have fun with each other.

“Finish him!”

The Dude

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