You’ve got cups, balls and beer. All you need are some people to get the pong party started. Upon arrival, you eye the competition. Here’s a breakdown of five different players you can expect:
Relax and rejoice if a Princess appears in your lineup. This lady lacks game knowledge and proper pong skills. She sips her beer, begs for re-dos, and bursts out laughing—nonstop. A Pong Princess’ scandalous attire flaunts her assets, which she uses as a distraction mechanism during matches. Should she make a cup, prepare yourself for a high-pitched squeal and slutty victory dance.
Beware of The Pro when it comes to beer pong. These players suck the joy from the fun-spirited sport. Their by-the-book play sobers your pregame—not OK. The resolution: Drink every time The Pro throws a rule-abiding bitch fit. You’ll down your beer quicker, and be ready to hit the bars sooner. There is only one way to permanently shutdown a Pro: strip them of their title. Trust me, nothing feels better.
They’re the life of the party, but tighter than a pair True Religions. Like clockwork, your local Cheapskate shows up every Saturday sans-invitation, thirsty and empty-handed. He then maneuvers around your kitchen like it’s his own, helping himself to a couple of cold ones. Here’s a tip, Cheapskate: Have people over to your place for once. Or, splurge on a case of Bud Light instead of bumming beers off your bros, yet again.
“The Partial Player”
Enter, the Partial Player. This guy or gal claims to be better when blackout, and has a bullshit excuse for every air ball and bad bounce. Fonder of other drinking games like flip cup, they lose interest during drawn-out games. Despite these drawbacks, a Partial Player can be clutch. Maybe they’re really good at hitting lone cups. Or, perhaps their potty mouth is perfect for psyching out competition. Either way, their limited table talent can come in handy.
“The Trash Talker”
We all know one, or twelve. Trash Talkers turn up the testosterone level by claiming to be your university’s pong master. They brag about whom they beat and reflect on how rarely they re-racked. So what, they ran the table at last weekend’s toga party. No one cares. But a true Trash Talker doesn’t let anyone forget about a six-game winning streak. Shut them up by giving them a taste of their own medicine.