It’s officially almost August, the month where everyone seems to realize in a collective stress-bomb – that summer is almost puttering to an end. I don’t know what happens to June and July, they get shoved into summer’s trunk like a murder mystery and I always want to make the most of my August once it rolls around.
So while we count down the days to summers end, I figured why not begin a little end-of-summer bucket list (before stores everywhere start sending me coupons for thick knit sweaters and those weird things that zip up your leg…boots…is that what they’re called? Great, I’m ready to put on my flip flops and get started. Take these simple 31 tips (duh, one for each day in August) and make sure you fulfill every single one before summer peaces its way outta dodge.
1. Walk into the CVS Pharmacy just because you’re so hot your inner thighs are stuck together.
2. Get one of those awkward sunburns on your lower back because, while you were trying to be a good person by lathering up, you’re not perfect and your arms aren’t that long. And what kind of freak can reach that portion of your backside?
3. Secretly hate on the chick that can wear those baggy, thin shorts that make it look like you’re wearing a diaper if you ever tried to wear them.
4. Never apologize for accidentally checking out the construction workers on your way to work or class in the morning. What? They’re tan, wearing hard hats and their veins are popping out, how was I suppose to know he’s forty?
5. Go into a movie by yourself. And smuggle whatever you can in the biggest purse you own. You are a frugal, stealthy and independent woman. And it’s cold and dark in the theater. Ideal summer cooling mechanism.
6. Go to a baseball game and blame the fact you don’t know what inning it is on the Summer Shandy.
7. Pop for a Venti iced drink from Starbucks at least three times a week. For two fighting reasons: just trying to hydrate; just trying to save the coffee maker for the cold, winter months.
8. Make out dramatically in a summer rainstorm.
9. Whatever, I’ll say it – take a nice long pee in the lake.
10. Buy a dumb straw hat that doesn’t match any of your outfits, that you will only wear once or never.
11. Roll around with some saucy dude in a tent under the stars (wanted to make this sound semi-classy.)
12. Sign up for a month of yoga classes. Go once.
13. Count treading water in the shallow end of the pool as a legitimate workout regimen.
14. Almost flip your sh*t if you see an ice cream truck, sprint after it.
15. Cook fresh kabobs and burn them to a crisp because you’re freaked out about accidentally eating raw chicken.
16. Play beach volleyball and try to get that sexy “shake n’ bake” look to happen with your sweaty calves and the sand.
17. Buy a stupid, moronic amount of magazines at the grocery store, waste your money on coconut water and sit by the pool until you are sweating out of your eyes and have black ink all over your finger tips from melting magazine syndrome.
18. Find a body of water and sit next to it with a Blue Moon.
19. Have a water balloon fight, even if it hurts when the balloons hit you and don’t break.
20. Make your boyfriend run a cherry popsicle down your chest on a hot day like Cosmo tells you to and realize how awkward it is when he licks it off.
21. Sit on a deck and play the penis game when people walk by.
22. Paint your toenails hot pink with white polka dots.
23. Go to the zoo and eat churros or cotton candy and have staring contests with the gorillas.
24. Hate on the girl that wears the body suit with the pattern of your Grandmother’s couch to the beach, and still looks good. And then go eat an ice cream cone the size of your head.
25. Get caught at a stoplight in your car singing to a passionate and ball-busting song.
26. Get messy. Play in puddles. Stick your toes in wet mud. Let your feet get a little grungy in your flippy floppies. Leave your hair beach blown.
27. Go to an early happy hour on a patio. Shop. Catch the late happy hour on the patio.
28. Vow to never ever wear a grey cotton skirt to a nerve racking work meeting ever again.
29. Watch a sunset. To hell with the sunrise. Sleep in.
30. Eat Cheese-Its on a boat because they taste better that way.
31. Take a nap under a shady oak tree, wake up and have no idea where you are or where you came from.