Why Won’t He Leave The “Friend Zone”?

The time’s come. You lean in for that first kiss. You’ve known each other for years/months/weeks/days/hours. There’s this connection between you, he understands you, every moment together is stress free and sexual tension filled! Just as your lips are about to reach his…he turns the other cheek…which is the equivalent of taking a shat in your hat then offering it to you for wear. WHY? What happened? Did you grow another head? Was there not enough Dewars? Is he self-conscious about the fact he uses more tongue than Gene Simmons? Then it comes, “I think we should just keep it as friends.” *fire the boxing glove gun to his groin*

Don’t blame yourself…necessarily. Look, you don’t know until you try. I mean, there was no way to predict he didn’t want to take it further, right?

If he introduces you to his buddy that just got out of a long-term relationship…he probably just wants to be friends.

If you don’t catch him looking down your blouse, EVER…he probably just wants to be friends.

If he offers to go buy tampons with you…he probably just wants to be friends.

If he thinks the world’s a cesspool of hedonistic trivial bullsh*t…he probably just wants to be friends.

If he shows you the sex tape he made with Chyna…he probably just wants to be friends.

If he’s got Hugh Jackman posters on his wall from “The Boy From Oz” and sings “Rio” at karaoke…he probably wants to be friends.

If he asks you to be a spotter while playing “the choking game”…could go either way (That one I’ve…okay, TMI).

Look, just because there were signs doesn’t mean it’s a crime not to have noticed them. The heart wants what the heart wants…but you can’t always get what you want. We all know the blinders we put on when we become infatuated. It’s like wearing beer goggles only rose tinted. We all get “drunk” on lust and love and hope.

I’m a firm believer that everyone speaks a different dialect of the language of love (and sex). Mixed signals. A drunken/lonely/random/Chuck marathon-filled night. Introducing you to his best friends and parents. Kissing you on the mouth when you say hello or goodbye. Telling you he loves you. All of these things SHOULD mean he wants to cross the border from BFF to BF. But they don’t always.

The best revenge on getting busted with your bum hanging out is this: don’t let the bastards get you down. And don’t let them keep you down. The harshest rejection is the one you give yourself because you were too “stupid” or “ugly” or anything else you convince yourself in a moment of shame (undeserved shame) to be true that ISN’T.  You didn’t “make a mistake” or “ask for it” sometimes what you think and another person thinks don’t mesh. The same events, gestures, or phrases can be interpreted in two different ways. It happens. All the time. Every day.

Until you can read minds, you’ll never be able to know for sure how far he wants to go unless you put yourself out there. And putting yourself out there means you’ve got bigger balls than he does. That’s not a bad thing, that’s…exquisite.

Cheers to you who were willing to go for what you wanted. You’ll never be the one who sits around and waits while events unfold to determine the course of your life, you made a stand (paraphrasing the best movie ever made about cutting school).

More than a friend,

The Dude

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