Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
I find myself between a rock and a hard place. My ex-boyfriend and I have turned friends with benefits. Me and my ex had dated for a year and a half, about half of the time we were at college in different towns. We started dating right after I came out of a long-term relationship that ended badly. In hindsight it was too soon for me to date again, but I was just glad to be moving on. We had a rocky month or two in our relationship with some dishonesty after we had been dating for four months. I had hooked up with one of my guy friends on my spring break trip after a long night of partying. I called my ex the next day and tried to explain to him what happened. I had never felt so guilty and ashamed about something. He was extremely hurt but we had a very strong connection and worked through it. We had an awesome summer together before we went off to college which made it extremely hard to cope with the fact I would only see him twice a month. I felt awesome when we were together and fell pretty hard for him.
During the fall semester, the same issue of trust and cheating arose again. Though I would think we talked things out, he could never quite let the topic go. Right after second semester started, things fell apart. My ex was struggling with some personal issues as well as his academics, the ongoing and recurring issue of dishonesty, and the distance took its toll. We broke up at the end of January of this year. But neither of us could let things go completely. We still talked and we saw each other once. It was so hard because despite all of the issues we had, we were so in love. And I know it doesn’t really make sense because if we were in love we shouldn’t have had our problems. But that was the frustrating part. We knew we shouldn’t have been dating at that point when we broke up but I still loved him.
In the beginning of March this year, after some pestering from my mother, I made the tough decision to actually break things off with my ex. No visiting or communicating for a while. I was so hurt that I broke up with him, still had strong feelings
and I thought I needed to cut him off for a while. We went a few weeks without speaking and it was the hardest thing. I’ve been through a long-term relationship break up before and after a few weeks I was doing better. But I couldn’t seem to pull myself together after this one. I missed him so much and eventually caved and called him. He was relieved to hear from me and was a mess himself. Unfortunately he told me that he was talking to someone. He said he thought it would help him move on since he couldn’t get over me. They hooked up once but just became friends. My ex said he couldn’t be with someone else, even casually, when he still had feelings for me. We continued to keep in contact until we were both home for the summer in May. We have been hanging out now and I’m so happy. We aren’t dating and most of our friends don’t know whats going on. My parents also don’t know. They never really liked my ex and thought he consumed too much of my time. They also became increasing worried when me and my ex would argue or fight.
So here I am, still in love with my ex but we aren’t together. Will it ever be possible for us to have a normal relationship? Is what I’m doing completely insane? Should I just start over again and try to move on?
Holding Out Hope
Dear Holding Out Hope,
Yes. Move on.
You cheated. You were dishonest. And now when you can’t have him, you want him.
I don’t think this is meant to be, HOH. You guys gave it a good try. But at this point in your lives, I mean, you’re both about to be away for college again. I don’t want to upset you, but what are you doing right now?
THIS IS A SUMMER FLING.
Everything’s lovelier when you know there’s a time frame!
So, look, enough with this shoop. If you want to keep hooking up with him, go for it, but, to be honest, I think you’re only hurting yourself.
Either way, keep this in mind:
You’re not fighting with him or cheating on him…because you’re not dating. Because there’s no pressure. Because you’re both going back to college in the fall.
Sorry, girl. Try again.
Hearts & Skulls,
Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv.