The Break Up Decoder: What He Really Meant But Was Too Scared To Say

Getting dumped sucks. The only thing worse is getting dumped with some vague, cliché breakup line. You know the kind – they’re sugar coated, indirect, and straight from a Friends rerun. We can thank TV and movies for offering a plethora of lame excuses to the male population to recycle over and over again instead of offering us the real reason why they are ending our perfect romance.
Sound familiar? Luckily, these lines can be decoded, so grab that pint of Phish Food and read on for some clarity.
You’re Too Good For Me
Translation: I’m Too Good For You
He thinks he deserves someone better and is attempting to slip out of the relationship without having to do too much damage control. Whether or not he really means it, you probably are too good for him.
It’s Bad Timing Right Now
Translation: You’re Not Worth the Effort
What’s better than having a girlfriend at your side during a stressful off-season, a nasty econ class or whatever else college throws your way? Nothing, if you actually value the relationship. When life gets hectic, you make time for the important stuff and tend to get rid of the things that don’t matter much, like a girlfriend you’re not super excited about.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Translation: It’s Not Me, It’s All You
Ah yes, the classic. We’ve all heard of someone using this, or worse, muttered those words ourselves (guilty). Sure it’s a gracious attempt to ease the pain but really just kind of lame. When someone says this they really mean to say, “When you get super jealous all the time it pushes me away,” or “I am just not that into you,” but self-blame seems to be an easier way out. It’s over so move on.
I Don’t Want To Lose My Best Friend
Translation: The Sex Really Wasn’t As Hot As I Thought It Would Be
It’s plea to go back to the friend zone, which may or not may be possible. He may love venting to you and discussing his problems, but the sex was just terrible. The friend to girlfriend development just didn’t pan out as he’d hoped.
I like You So Much, But I’m Scared of Commitment
Translation: You’re Cool But I’d Rather Hook Up Whomever I’d Like Until Someone Great Comes Along.
He doesn’t feel like committing to you while he can still attract all of the other babes on campus. Why attempt this? Because without the title he gets you (while you wait for him to change) and he can act as he pleases at all of the college parties. Then when someone does tickle his fancy or he gets tired of the lonely frat-star life, his fear of commitment will suddenly change. After you of course.
This Is Moving Too Fast
Translation: I’ve Got A Stage Five Clinger!
Excessively sending FB relationship requests and dropping the word boyfriend before officially having “the talk” pushed him far away. He wanted to keep things casual but that’s not what you were hoping for. Result? Break up.
I’m Not Looking For a Relationship Right Now
Translation: I Am Looking For a Relationship Right Now, Just Not With You
You don’t want to waste your time in a relationship that won’t go anywhere anyway. It’s not right, so call up the next hottie in your contacts list.
Look, these may sound harsh, but the truth hurts. And you know what? So does getting dumped, no matter how it’s packaged. So accept the harsh reality and move on. The quicker you get over it (and get your head out of that brownie sundae) the sooner you’ll find the guy that will love everything about you enough to never utter these bullsh*t excuses.

He Said/She Said – Worst Places to Have Sex
He Said/She Said – Worst Places to Have Sex
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