This Post Grad Life: I'm Generally Insecure, About Everything

I’m honest. That being said, I’m insecure.
To me, saying I’m insecure sounds a little harsh. It sounds a little wobbly and flaky. It sounds dishonest and awkward. Sometimes, it seems like I’m a little too big for it, kind of like Alice in Wonderland after she ate that piece of crack bread and grew her arms out of a cottage. But I’m willing to believe actually admitting an insecurity of any sort is the first step to fixing it. And I’m very willing to believe that I’m not the only one out there feeling a little bit…emotional and unsure.
Of course there are a lot of things I’m positive and confident about. In relationships, the future, my friends, where my life is going…I am confident and positive that I love to write. I am confident and positive that I am treating my body like a temple (aside from the occasional Sunday morning after a night out at the bars). I am confident and positive that the Lady Gaga‘s song called ‘Hair’ makes me feel THIS close to climbing a mountain wearing an 80’s outfit.  I am confident and positive that I deeply love my family, friends, horses, Jesus and Minnesota. I am confident.
But sh*t, I’m insecure too. I never know what I want with relationships. Do I want to make out with this guy at the bar, sleep over at his house and wake up like Sex in the City Samantha and walk out feeling like a million dollars? Do I follow a strict pattern of going on countless dates, letting the guy buy the first meal, wait for a second date, begin intensely dating and wake up for an early special and do it every morning to Maroon 5? Do I have a type? Am I not good enough for him/anyone just because one guy didn’t call me back?
I’m insecure about friendships. It’s hard to keep track of everybody after college — and I’m always worried I’m going to lose my friends just because I can’t communicate with them on a daily basis anymore. Even though I know deep down inside that probably won’t happen — I always catch myself checking up on a friend just to make sure they don’t forget about me/fall of planet earth/move to Africa.
I’m insecure about the future. Will I make enough money to live a comfortable life? Above all–will I look back when I’m 80 and feel fulfilled up to the very brim of my life coffee pot. Hot and steamy, with the giant satisfaction that I lived an energetic and rich life? What if I chose A instead of B? Does that make me any less of an ideal me?
In the thick of it, my insecurities ride from trying to define myself, in a way that I think is beautiful and perfect. I’m always striving to define myself one certain way. And it’s making me insecure. I can’t quite decide where I want to go with…everything. I’m always asking myself:
“Am I OK with this?”
I recently heard something the other day that flickered a little light on the subject of insecurities. Since they sprout from properly defining yourself in retrospect to others, I think it would help to understand something; what beauty means to you. Understand that a beautiful person is a sincere person. In the form of sincerity, it is important for everyone to be themselves in all its realness. Whatever it means to be you, be it! If you’re funny and shy, be funny and shy in all of its honesty. If you are clumsy and emotional and mysterious, be all of that and don’t look back.
Insecurities are things we don’t know about ourselves, to a point where we may not understand where we are going with personal defining. But when we know who we are, and are sincere about who we are, everything will seem more clear. I’m not insecure about that.

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