Here’s a shocking headline for you: Lindsay is no longer the only Lohan to become food for public thought!! Wow! You don’t say!? No way!
Well, yes way, I do say! Oh, the times, how they are a-changin’.
Surprisingly, it’s not her dad, Michael, or her mom, Dina. Nope. This time, folks, it’s her once adorable, once normal (or as near normal as possible) little sister, Ali. Maybe while we’ve all been distracted by her spotlight hogging, tabloid crazy older sister, Lindsay, we forgot to keep a close eye on the future of the Lohan clan. How celebrity irresponsible of us.
Most of you may be wondering what the big deal is, anyway. Let me give you a moment to take in the picture above: the cheek implants, the nose job, the…whatever they did to her eyebrows. But honestly, I can’t blame her. If I had Lohan blood in me, around me or even down the hall from me, you couldn’t ask me to crawl out of my own skin fast enough.
Think you can guess the top seven reasons why Ali Lohan is trying to pull the change-up of the century on her roots, her fam and her celeb status? CollegeCandy does! Watch and learn while we dissect the most important reasons Ali is abruptly abandoning her “adored” family name and looks:
1. I Wanna Be Like Mike (Like Mike)
Michael Jordan? Yes. Michael Jackson? Yes. Michael Kors? Definitely. Michael Lohan… Not so much. If you don’t know much about our dear Mikey Lohan, here’s the deal: he was a once successful Wall Street trader who was arrested and charged with insider trading, divorced and estranged from his wife and three children shortly after, and when his eldest daughter, our dearest Lindsay, became super famous he decided to make the pot boil by verbally and physically insisting that her career fall under professional management. But lets get real, who wants to hear all that boring stuff?
You most likely know Mr. Lohan from his stint on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew where he struggled through his addictions with cocaine, alcohol and his hate-to-love, love-to-hate wife and kids. While daddy dearest made headlines trying to find peace between himself and Lindsay, I suppose he forgot to take note that he was raising another headline hungry daughter behind the scenes. One who clearly isn’t interested in looking like one of the bunch.
2. Freaky, Freaky Friday
Ever see the movie big sister Lindsay stars in alongside Jamie Lee Curtis? Where mom and daughter trade lives to see just how rough the other one has it? Well, switch up the roles a little bit and you’ve got another box office hit: Loopy, Loony Lohans starring Lindsay and Dina. Wouldn’t any reasonable brunette go crazy living live alongside two platinum blondes?
3. Dina, Dina the DINAsaur
The only reason I know anything about Dina Lohan is because she’s part owner and part responsible for the (im)proper child-rearing of daughter, Lindsay. She also co-starred on Living Lohan, a reality TV series run by E! network. Like any good mom, Dina cries to any tabloid that will listen and insists that daughter Lindsay’s drug and alcohol addictions are absolutely not her fault, although recently, she gladly threw back a couple bottles with the lovely Linds at the star-studded Kardashian nuptials. Yeah, Dina, you’re right, your daughter’s drinking problems are totally not your fault. You betcha! Run Ali, save yourself. Get as far away as that scalpel will take you from the Lohan name.
4. Wait, what do you mean Mom? Reality TV is not real life?
On Living Lohan, Dina opened the floodgates of fame for youngest, sweetest daughter Ali, then age 13. Fast-forward five years and 18-year-old Ali is rail thin and disappearing. Let me guess, not your problem either, right mom? Soon you won’t be her problem, either.
5. Predetermined Addiction to Drugs, Alcohol and Rehab
Oops, nevermind. Looks like little Ali already beat me to it.
6. Livin’ La Vida Lohan
Name five honest and genuine things that have come from the Lohan family. Five too tough? Go ahead, name three. I double dog dare you. Now can you blame anyone with that last name for going one straw short of insane?
7. Big Sister is Always Watching
It was too easy to go straight for Lindsay as the number one reason Ali would want to steer as clear as possible from the lame Lohans. Instead, I saved the best for last. Since I could have dedicated this entire post to all the reasons why Lindsay alone could keep Ali from wanting to stay a Lohan, I’ll just give you the long and short of it. First, what a great role model. Who doesn’t want to brag about their older sister when she’s got all sorts of knowledge on jail, rehab, addiction and bad publicity? If I had an older sister, I would hope she’d be just like Lindsay….
While her new, emaciated face and figure have flown her far from the telltale Lohan traits, Ali might be hoping to take her transformation to another level. She traded in the addictive lifestyle of a Hollywood actress to instead take on the miserable, always hungry yet pleasantly starved career of a Hollywood fashion model. I guess you pick your poison, Ali. I’m sure it’s easier to stare into the eyes of a camera with a super duper hangover than rehearse lines for a mega million-dollar movie role.
Lucky for us, there’s a Lohan boy caught somewhere in the middle of the mess that we call his sisters. Grab a glass or a line and bottoms up, girls! Here’s to future headlines!