Dude's List: 11 Things You Wish He'd Say

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Let’s face it: guys inherently have the proverbial foot-in-mouth disease. There really aren’t too many occasions where we can’t be counted on to say the absolute wrong thing. Sometimes we have no sense of tact or manners, thus we say the wrong thing but we don’t know it. Usually, we say the wrong thing then realize it when the heel is flung at our heads. Then there are times when we know we’re saying the wrong thing as the sounds of the words are emitting from our mouths. No matter the circumstances, we know we’re going to do it. And yet we keep doing it. You know why? Because…we’re stupid? Our brains and our mouths aren’t communicating? All our common sense is in our dicks? I like to think it’s due to all the practice we’ve had over our lifetimes. Here are 11 comments, statements and/or questions that we should have said:
1. “We don’t have to if you’re not in the mood. It’s totally fine. Let’s just cuddle.”
Alright, so this is more like three things to say in one exchange but wouldn’t it be better than us putting up the proverbial puppy dog or frowny faces when you say you’re too tired? I’ll be the first to admit that when a guy’s in heat, it overtakes all semblance of sensitivity to what temperature you’re at.
2. “Do you want this side of the bed?”
How considerate. How gentlemanly. Instead of just, oh I don’t know, rolling into the middle of the mattress on a diagonal or saying, “Thanks, but I’ve got an early meeting,” here’s a thoughtful alternative. Of course, you could just take whatever side of the bed you want and he’ll have to suck it up because you’ve already su-…see? Almost said the wrong thing, didn’t I?
3. “(whatever you just told him)”
Some guys have the attention AND memory span of a goldfish. Worse, when we do need to repeat what you’ve just said, we have three automatic replies: *shrug*, “mmwhat?”, and “Uh huh.” *scratch balls.* Occasionally we’ll say it back verbatim. Very, occasionally. Sorry, we’re a visually oriented gender. Now if you wrote down what we’re suppose to remember on your cleavage, there’d be none of this hostility. Just saying.
4. “I don’t want to go out with the guys. I want to see Breathless at the Forum with you.”
And he’d mean it, too! Which he usually doesn’t, does he? Unfortunately, a lot of guys take spending time with you for granted after the honeymoon period. They want to get back into their old routines and you’re this wonderful new sidekick! Yeah, that’s right, you’re Robin (there are two incarnations of Robin that are female so it’s not a stretch).
5. “Wait! I left the toilet seat up!”
A warning would be nice at 4am would it not? “CANNONBAAAAAAAALL”
6. “I already did the dishes.”
Isn’t he sweet? No expectations. No fear of, or reliance on, traditional gender roles. Not acting like a slob. All things men everywhere should aspire to (although I’ve dated a few of you ladies who’d leave dishes in the sink for a month living unless someone else cleaned them up).
7. “No, we don’t have to watch the game. Project Runway’s on!”
If he really means this, your boyfriend might actually want a boyfriend. Not judging. Just saying…
8. “I picked you up a carton of ice cream on the way home. Just because.”
I did this once. It might have been the greatest night of my life. I now try to teach all men who I come into contact with about the incredible generosity and affection that comes from selfless acts involving ice cream. Not all listen. *Sigh*
9. “Would you rather drive?”
This could prevent many a break up/divorce. Of course, it could also cause many a head-on collision.
10. “I love you.”
Why can’t he just SAY IT? I know, I know, for some guys it’s like pulling teeth with two plastic spoons from the bodega. He may even love you and tries to show it but never says it. For some reason a lot of people don’t understand that speaking counts as an action, too.
11. “You think our waitress is hot? Huh, hadn’t noticed.”
Dare to dream…dare to dream.
If men would say some form of the above more often I dare say there’d be less relationship strife. Who knows, maybe even the divorce rate would drop a percentage point. One thing’s certain, we don’t change until we’re made aware and we won’t be made aware until we’re willing to listen. In general, screaming doesn’t promote aural faculty use. Withholding sex? Yes. Maybe if you had a sonic screwdriver (or probe, or just Karen Gillen)… So, what do you think, ladies? Has your beau ever had the smarts or awareness to at least say five of the above? What do you wish he’d say, if only on occasion? Time for the comments to speak the truth!
Beats a fez,
The Dude

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