Maxim Says the Darndest Things: October 2011 Edition

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I always love Maxim during Halloween because they write and feature the craziest stuff possible. Need proof? The first two headlines I laid eyes on for October’s cover were: ‘A Polar Bear Ate My Head,’ and ‘Secrets of Lesbian Sex: How to Get in on the Action.’

No wonder I grabbed the last issue on the newsstand. Men want them some gore and girl on girl.

As silly as Maxim can be, they do have some pretty funny one-liners littering their pages. And speaking of lesbians —  see case A: this distant birthday wish. Maxim says, “My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex, I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.”  Giggles. I can’t lie, that’s funny.

As for the hawt women dressed in lace for October, I couldn’t help they all had old lady names. Agnes…Yvonne…Regina…is there a cougar jaguar fantasy that I don’t know about?! One thing I do not know for sure, is how all of these hot chicks are getting by eating creme puffs and In-N-Out burgers all the time.

Beyond creme puffs and greased up lady-thighs, I ran past a few articles featuring bad ass weapons and a few man movie reviews. I barely made it through the ‘Polar Bear Ate My Head!’ article after the second page featured an actual picture of the dude’s mauled head.  Seriously, google it or something. Suddenly you won’t want that creme puff anymore…

Then, I landed on the page every man scrambled too before they could even get out of the magazine section of the gas station (and ended up in the bathroom alone); ‘The Superhot Secrets of Lesbian Sex.’  It’s cute how every man thinks they can casually sandwich themselves in a lesbian experience. Doesn’t anyone watch Jersey Shore anymore!?!

Let’s see what guys are learning from lady on lady lovin’.

Maxim Says: Basically, girls can grind up against anything and get off–a knee, a hand, whatever.

Brittany Says: Great Maxim. Give guys another reason to sit there and do nothing. Can you see it? Men, holding up their fists like Spiderman and waiting for the magical moment. I don’t think so. Give yourself a little credit and have more creativity than a tree stump.

Maxim Says: A huge focus of all pre-orgasm work should be the kiss.

Brittany Says: Preach it, Maxim. Finally–something I agree with. I had to include this little tidbit in here. Oh my Hannah Montana, I’m actually learning something. (Sorry for bringing Disney into this.)

Maxim Says: If your lady wants to hop the fence for one night, there are always other straight girls there she can go home with. Just like in the lesbian porn online.

Brittany Says: I’ve never seen so many false hopes in one Times New Roman font. Sure, maybe it happens. Your girlfriend suddenly wants you to call up your best girlfriend to dance the dance in bed. But when is the last time you saw a unicorn? In a fairy tale? Ok.

COLLEGECANDY Writer
COLLEGECANDY Writer
If I could eat toast and watch Shark Week all day, every day, my life would exceed perfection status.