Question?! Ask Tuffy Luv.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
I need help. Two days ago my boyfriend and I split up. We had a fight about him disappearing for a while without any explanation. I was furious because that has happened to me before; in high school I had a long-term boyfriend who one day left school and disappeared without telling me. I never heard from him again.
Well, this past weekend I was afraid that was happening again and I panicked. When he finally did get back to me I was furious at him for making me panic like that. I said things I didn’t mean and then we were over.
He had said he was busy (not strictly true because he had been on the phone and he could have found five seconds to let me know everything was fine). I later found out through talking to our mutual friend that he was upset with me and that was why he hadn’t gotten back to me. So then I was even more upset with him for not being honest with me.
But here’s the thing: this whole thing is my fault. The whole time we were together, practically, I didn’t trust anything he told me. I’ve had relationships in the past, and they all turned out terribly. I realize that everyone has terrible relationships sometimes, but it seems like everyone I care about lets me down. I don’t trust anyone.
Understand, it’s not the little things I don’t trust him with. When he says he’s with friends and stuff, I don’t care.
Here’s an example. One night we were talking, and he was drunk and he said things like he wanted to be with me for a long time, he could see living with me, etc. And it was so nice of him to say those things. But it freaked me out! I mean, I love him, of course, and I feel that way too, but having him say it made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn’t think he meant it. So the next day I was uncomfortable still and we had a mini-fight and I ended up asking him not to say things like that anymore. (That’s one of the reasons he was upset with me.)
I realized that this is exactly what happened with my high school boyfriend, when I didn’t trust him and the left. I feel terrible, and I was messed up over that for years. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.
So my question is this: how do I learn to trust my boyfriend? What do I do now to make him see I’m sorry and I need him? How do I stop picking mini-fights over tiny things because I can’t trust that he’s telling me the truth?
Dear Mistrustful Me,
Girrrrrrl. You need to find a balance between trusting your gut and letting your paranoia eat your face.
It’s like this: Everyone gets let down. It’s true. Friends, family, strangers, they’re all acting in their own best interest, and that’s just human. Unfortunately, sometimes that means someone gets hurt.
In your case, it’s this high school boyfriend who screwed you up. But I think you need a reality check on this one.
I seriously doubt dude dropped out and disappeared because of you.
Sorry. I know it’s become super romanticized in your head and all, but that shoop is just too nuts. The reason he left is a mystery, yes? Now he may not have CONTACTED you because he didn’t want to deal with you. But I seriously doubt he left HIGH SCHOOL because of you. Really. Let’s get a grip here.
However, that said, Aunt Tuffy can totally see how that would floop you up. I mean, it’s a pretty dramatic thing to happen. (PS Hope he’s okay, youknowwhatimean?!?!)
On to the present.
Your now-ex-boyfriend didn’t like that you couldn’t trust him. No one does. In order to be with someone, you HAVE to be willing to be a little vulnerable to them, and that means trusting them when they ask you to.
So in your next relationship, you gotta work on this. Yes? You will take deep breaths and not freak out when everything isn’t perfectly on your schedule.
There is a fine line between trusting and being stupid. Because we’ve all got instincts. We all know when someone’s lying.
And in this case, I gotta say, even though I think you’re paranoid in the android, your guy WAS lying to you and I think you sensed it.
I think it’s over with this guy, to be honest with you. Lessons have been learned, correct? You ask how to not pick fights; the answer is, DON’T PICK FIGHTS! If you’re upset about something, give yourself some time to cool off and then ask yourself: Is this really a problem or am I just being paranoid? If, after you’re no longer emotional, you still think something is suspicious, then you can bring it up IN PERSON and in a CALM AND KIND MANNER. If it doesn’t seem like a huge deal after you calm down, you have got to learn to just let it go.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Speaking of letting things go, get rid of that baggage too. Honestly. We all have bad stuff happen to us; when you let it go, you set yourself free. None of this is not such a major deal that you can’t learn to do that, just like everyone else. Trust me, you’ll be way happier. And you deserve that, kid.
Hearts & Skulls,