Dude’s List: 11 Places You Want To Have Sex But Should NOT!

Where do you fantasize about having the hottest sex of your life? Beach? Elevator? On the desk after work? Hot tub? In the van during the stakeout while Casey’s undercover and…well okay that’s more of a fantasy in which the who is more important than the where (and if you don’t know who I’m referring to, pick up last month’s Maxim). We’ve also been brainwashed with by intricate film choreographed sex in a plethora of sexy locales to think that fiction is a reflection of fact. And then there’s reality. Which can be downright cruel, and itchy. Here’re 11 places you might want to make whoopee but would end up needing a cushion after:

1. Shower
How big is yours? What are the odds of falling and doing permanent injury to yourself? Slippery when wet. Showers, pools, under waterfalls, no matter the aquatic spot you still need something OTHER than water to keep enough moisture down there. “I’m not even gonna talk about down there.” And pruning doesn’t improve a pounding experience. By the by, make sure you’re shower curtains are strong enough to hold onto. Craftsmanship is more important than cost-effective.

2. Hayloft
A roll in a hay will leave heat rashes that last for more than a day. “It’s the itchy and scratchy showwwwwwwww!”

3. Backseat
Unless you’re in high school then get a f*cking room. Unless you or your partner’s freaking Gumby then make sure you stretch. The only backseat that’d be easy on your joints would be in the Mystery Inc. van. Shaggy and Scooby kept a waterbed.

4. Parents’ Bed
It’s where you parents have sex. Think about it — STOP! Don’t think about it. Too much therapy involved.

5. Beach
You’ll be washing sand out of places you didn’t know you had places from here to eternity. Think about this equation also: sand + friction = PAIN.

6. Middle of a Field
Bugs. Dirt. Sharp grass blades. Hidden pebbles. Bring a blanket, au natural isn’t worth the surprise bruises and cuts.

7. Restaurant/Club Bathroom
There’s always that scene where one person can’t stand waiting a second longer and pulls his/her lover into a stall…What the Hell was I thinking putting this on here? Bathrooms aren’t sexy. They’re skanky. Odors. Eww…

8. The Wall
She pushes him up against the wall and then rips off his shirt. He spins her around and lifts up her skirt and then 30 seconds later they’ve pulled their quads, hamstrings, everythings. Plus, standing sex only works depending on height differences and/or upper body strength. All the blood goes rushing to his other muscle groups. The sex is like a game of Red Light, Green Light.

9. Marble Countertop
COLD! Hard…Sharp edges. Hope you’ve gotten your flu shot and your insurance is paid up.

10. Elevator
Notice they never actually show you the sex in the elevator. Usually the doors close with 2 people perfectly composed. Then, they open and hot sex has been had. You know why they skip the middle? You don’t want to find out.

11. Stairs
Just hold out until you reach the landing at least. How many herniated disks, carpet burns, or deep bruises do you want to have an hour later?

Adventurous sex is fantastic! Exotic locales can be extremely stimulating. But sometimes the fantasy needs to remain in the mind’s eye rather than on a chiropractor’s table. There are plenty of fun and sexy places to act like jackrabbits. There may even be some tricks and tips you ladies can offer each other for the 11 I’ve chosen to help overcome the challenges. Where’s your fantasy take place? Or where did it take place? Share and share alike in the comments below.

Location! Location! Location!

The Dude

Single Girl Society – Get Over Guilt
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