Tuffy Luv Throws Up

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been reading your column all day long and I found myself agreeing with every bit of advice you have given and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hear your insight on my own relationship. I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to relationships, I didn’t have my first kiss or date till 19, after two very short relationships I found myself turning 21 in November and in a 7 month relationship with a guy I love very much.
I had always told myself I would wait until marriage to sleep with a guy but I found myself so very much in love and couldn’t see myself ever being with anyone else so I gave in about 4.5 months into the relationship. We had our ups and downs, at the beginning of the relationship he got kicked out of his dad’s house and had to live with some friends. Long story short, I stood by him through everything, motivated him to quit smoking marijuana, I dealt with a lot of his mood swings and anger when he was trying to quit smoking cigarettes, I gave him driving lessons and let him use my car to finally get his driver’s license, bought him groceries when he had nothing to eat when he got kicked out, gave him rides, had my brother fix up his old bike so my bf had something to ride to school so he could get his GED, and applied to a lot of jobs for him so he could upgrade from part time to full time when his laptop was stolen and he couldn’t do it himself, and I encouraged him to talk things through with his dad so he could live at home again. Needless to say, I have done my best to motivate him to be the best person he could be and he has shown a lot of gratitude for that.
I am currently a university student and have stressed to him the importance of a good education and he said he agrees with me, that he’s always wanted to be back in school and set his life straight and he couldn’t have done it without me. I am truly in love with this guy, he’s a year younger than me and my parents worry I’ve become more of a mother figure than a girlfriend and they say that it’ll never work out because I’m trying to turn him into something he’s not. But I’m turning the other cheek and telling myself I’m not pushing him into becoming something he doesn’t want to be, because even though I have to nag him and lecture him in time about growing up and taking care of responsibilities, he says he’s extremely grateful and does want the same things as I do in the future.
I was willing to pick him up every time he has fallen, even early on in the relationship, he was my first and only love. Things were really going great and I saw he was really on the right path in life, we even talked about moving in together next summer once I get my bachelor’s degree and he made it clear he wanted to marry me some day. I was extremely excited about hearing him talk about how I was the love of his life and how he couldn’t wait for our future together.
He has told me that I should never worry about any other girls, especially exes, because with them it was just sex without feeling, that I am the first girl he’s ever been so deeply in love with and that when we are intimate, we are making love and it means so much more. I do believe him when he says that, because he sounds so genuine and I just can’t believe someone can be playing a game 24/7. I know it’s only been 7 months, but we see one another on a daily basis, unless I have too much school work going on and he is understanding of that, and if we are not physically together, we are on the phone or texting, we send about 15,000 texts to one another monthly, so he can’t really even have time for an affair!
Then one day, he mentions his favorite number and something about passwords and in the evening while he’s at work, I open my computer and am able to guess his facebook password (I know it was wrong, but I have jealousy issues because he had slept with 6 other girls before me, and I worry that being with just me isn’t enough). And to my absolute horror, I find some old facebook chat logs saved from a girl named Desiree. I knew of her because once when we were hanging out this Desiree texts my bf saying “omg just got caught having sex, sooo embarrassing,” so I ask my bf why she would send a text involving something so personal to a guy in a relationship, he said it was really weird she would do that and he doesn’t respond. So back to the messages I find on fb, I find out he tells this girl (who he has called a slut previously to me in conversation) intimate details of our relationship. Now losing my virginity before marriage was a very emotional thing for me. I was raised quite conservatively and really struggled figuring out what I really wanted to do. So we started out slow, and then a few months in started fooling around, touching, etc (not to get too graphic!), and then fooling around naked but not the actual act of sex itself, which I’m sure was torture for him but I was too scared I would end up having sex, getting so attached and then heart broken. My biggest fear was to get a bad reputation, we knew a lot of the same people, and it would be beyond devastating to know that the guy I lost my virginity to would talk about me behind my back and call me a whore.
Back to the messages though! He complains to Desiree that he thinks him and I are going to break up, and we were going through a rough patch, and when she asks why he explains he accidentally popped my cherry while we were fooling around partially naked and that I was very upset about it, then Desiree says that is a stupid reason to be upset, and to my dismay, my bf writes “why can’t a girl just f**k and be happy about it?” At this point I am in tears and can barely breathe, I begged him to swear to never tell anyone about our intimacy, his good friends were friends of my friends and I would die if word got around about me doing certain things, and frankly, that’s extremely personal and I don’t need people knowing those things for obvious reasons. And he swore he would never do such a thing, I truly begged him not to, and I trusted he would never do such a thing, I trusted him with my life. Then I read on, and a little while later they talk again and she asks if him and I have “banged” yet and he says “yup” and then he complains that I “want to do it ALL the time >.>” which was another crushing blow, I was obviously very self conscious about my sex life, seeing as I didn’t have any experience, it was something new and exciting for me, and I loved experiencing a physical connection with my bf, I loved him and he loved me.
Then Desiree says I’m like that because I’m probably immature, he says “you know me, I like sex, but not THAT often”, at this point my temperature and fever are skyrocketing, I had mono at the time and this shock made me go into a very bad fever and break into a horrible rash and vomit, just as I was starting to get better. Then they start flirting, she says she apologizes about stringing him along a while ago (before him and I got together), that she was on medication and not herself, then he goes on to say “but what you and I had was real, right?” and she says “I did like you”, and he says “ok, just making sure” and then she goes on to say “we shouldn’t talk like that, you’re gf wouldn’t like it”. Then he agrees and she has the gross woman balls to say “don’t be mad because you’ll always want my nuts” and he doesn’t deny anything, and she mentions to him “the fact that you’ll always want me even though you have a gf” and he says “don’t rub it in”. She tells him “your gf is pretty, but not as pretty as me” and he says “of course not” (which he later said was a completely sarcastic remark, really doesn’t seem like it, but ok…) The conversation basically ends, and she says “text me when you can” and he says “ok” and that’s the end of that. I also find a message from a girl (who he claimed used to like him, and he only has her as a friend on fb because he feels bad for her and she just got out of rehab, I find her posting on a friend’s wall saying “you, me, and ___ (my bf) are so going to California Burgers!” and the friend says “definitely!” I ask my bf about it and he says he knows nothing about it and isn’t gonna go so it didn’t matter so I said fine), I see a message in his inbox of her asking if he and their two friends (his best friend and his gf) could go to California burgers and that she misses him, he says “miss you too, and sure” (when I confront him about that he said he didn’t want to make her any more depressed and relapse so he didn’t want to be a jerk and say no even though he had no intention of going and never did, but why lie!???? I would have accepted that answer!).
After reading all of this I’m having a huge panic attack and my world has gone up in flames, I text him to “never *bleeping* contact me again, we’re through”, even though he was at work, he called me right away, and was asking what was wrong and I told him I caught him cheating when I broke into his fb, he burst into tears saying he had no idea what I was talking about and I told him about the conversation and he was very confused (having no idea the chat log was saved by fb), I told him how disgusted I was with him and how he completely broke my trust by swearing to me and lying, and told some whore the intimate details of our relationship and how sick he made me, and that he broke my heart. This made him burst into tears, he said he would explain things to me once he finally realized/remembered what conversation I must have read (mind you, these were two separate conversations I read, one four months into the relationship, the other 5 months). He said he had to get back to work after talking for a few minutes, I could hear his managers in the background, and he begged me to talk to him when he was off, I hung up. He called about five times after work when I finally picked up and read, word for word the conversation. He said he was in a horrible place then, that he was truly, truly sorry, that he thought we were going to break up because we were fooling around a lot, pushing a lot of my limits and I got very angry and upset when it came to me losing my virginity, and I agree I was an emotional wreck at the time (and we were in bad times in our relationship when he talked to her). We talked for about 5 hours on the phone, he was crying hysterically, he said he was having very bad withdrawals from not smoking cigarettes or weed and said those things out of anger and was in a horrible place, but denied cheating on me. However, I told him it was indeed emotional cheating and just as bad in my book. Then
he threw up a few times, and could tell he was extremely scared of losing me and ruining the relationship through his actions.
He confessed a few weeks ago that Desiree talked to him again, and started saying bad things about me, and that he should break up with me and get with her, he said she said very horrible things about me, he was very angry, told her off, and deleted her off fb once and for all. Even though he in a sense fixed the situation by himself, that didn’t change the fact that the only reason she had anything bad to say about me, was because he portrayed me as such a bad person to her, he didn’t tell her how much I have helped him, he was just venting about me, and made me seem just awful. He continually denied that it was cheating, that he was extremely ashamed and that I never deserved being talked about like that, and was truly truly sorry. But I told him he broke my heart, which he really did, and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I also said that she wouldn’t have come on to him if he didn’t give her such clear signals before.
We texted a lot during the day, me telling him how much he hurt me and him apologizing, we spoke on the phone for three nights in a row, each conversation lasting around 5-6 hours, most of him crying and throwing up and me crying too. We met up face to face and he swore he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, and that was all about two months ago. I know this letter was incredibly long, but I don’t know how to get through this. We got back together (never really even broke up), but sometimes I still think about it (like tonight) and when I bring it up, he says he is so so so sorry and would never do that again, that I never deserved it and it breaks his heart he did such a thing to me. But then again, he swore he wouldn’t do it in the first place, it’s like he broke my trust and told this girl (someone he doesn’t even value as a person) about our sex life just because it seemed like he wouldn’t get caught, I never thought he was capable of lying about something like that, he always seemed so genuine. After finally agreeing to work through this, I find myself checking his fb on a daily basis, questioning a lot more what he’s up to and with who, I would die if anything like this, let alone worse would happen again, he is my everything. I can’t even imagine why he would hurt someone who has done so much for him, this badly. I’ve said “I forgive you” after hearing a thousand apologizes, but I’ve read that conversation a hundred times and it’s engrained in my mind, constantly in the back of my head. This whole situation might not seem like a big deal, it’s not like he jumped in bed with someone else, but it seems like online flirting is a gateway to all of that. Just because we are having a serious rough patch in our relationship doesn’t mean he can run to other girls and lead them on? I almost feel bad for the chick, he flirts with her and then tells her off when she tries to escalate it, I really can’t blame her!
I know that was a lot of rambling to read, but this is what goes through my head on a nearly daily basis. This is the first huge betrayal I have encountered, and I didn’t expect it from my first and only love…How do I get over my jealousy, and should I have to? As a result of this, I made him block this girl for good, I have access to his fb, I made him text his last gf and tell her to never contact him again (she sent him periodic texts here and there and they were pissing me off), and he has let me do it all without question, but me needing to do all of this is just not healthy…Any advice would make me eternally grateful, I am in true need of your amazing advice.
My undying gratitude,
Deeply Wounded
Dear Deeply Wounded,
Okay, first of all, I want to say I’m not just answering this because you brown-nosed. But I do thank you. Delicious.
Anyway, onto your letter:
Bitter ol’ Tuffy feels some pangs on this one.
You seem so genuine, DW. I mean that. You seem like such a good, nice person. You really love this guy, that much is clear. And you went way out of your way to help him through a tough time.
But the harsh reality is, he is NOT such a good, nice person. And he doesn’t give a SHOOP about your helping him through a tough time.
This guy never came clean about this. It’s fine to say, oh he’s sorry because he apologized, but he ONLY apologized AFTER you caught him. AFTER. And when you first approached him about it, he denied it.
So I believe that he wants to keep you. But I don’t believe that he’s really sorry he did it.
This is a guy who has already had a drug problem and been kicked out of his house. He needed YOU to help him apply for jobs (why couldn’t do it himself?!) and to get his bike fixed (hello?! he can’t figure this one out either?!). You really went out of your way for him, and I applaud you for that, because, yes, everyone falls on their luck sometimes.
But this guy seems like he won’t do anything. He isn’t interested in improving himself. He won’t do anything to move forward the way you expect someone reaching adulthood to do.
That in itself is a HUGE red flag, girl.
And then we get to the real meat of your letter, where we find out dude spoke about you to another girl who he may or may not have cheated on you with (I’m sorry, I just don’t think we can rule that out) but who DEFINITELY did not need to be told about your sex life.
This little boy thinks he can say terrible things about you to someone else while proclaiming to love you. Guess what? He can, because you’re letting him.
You really truly deserve better than this. This little baby of a disgusting manchild said some ugly things about you. He betrayed very personal secrets. And he said things that were cruel and unnecessary.
I bet he loves you now. You’ve done so much for him. He’s a major user and he knows that you’ll take care of him.
But you don’t want his off-brand “love,” do you? It’s so emotionally abusive it makes me want to throw up (oh, I guess I have something in common with him after all).
I hate hate hate this guy.
BREAK UP WITH HIM. You can’t get yourself to trust him because, deep inside, you KNOW you CAN’T trust him. He is completely UNTRUSTWORTHY. There is NOTHING he can do that will reverse this. This relationship is doomed, and thank deities of all sorts because this guy is only going to drag you down with him.
Go find someone who is kind and who will treat you the way you treat others: with respect and love. Let this ashhole rot in his own filth.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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