Today Kim Kardashian is 31 years old (she’s practically a fossil!). We got ahold of a schedule for the day that shows how Kim is celebrating (we got ahold of it because we made it up). Since Kim’s wedding was such a spectacle, her birthday celebration will most likely be one too.
5 a.m.- Kim wakes up
5:01 a.m.-The hair and make-up team arrives and glams her up.
6:00 a.m.- E! cameras show up
6:02 a.m.- Kris Humphries says something stupid
6:30 a.m.- Kris Jenner coaches Kim about all of the products she has to mention on camera. She tells her, “Kim, once you eat a slice of cake, make sure you say, ‘Thank god I have Quicktrim to burn this off!’”
7:00 a.m. Khloe and Kourtney arrive. They all talk about how lucky they are to be the three best sisters in the world. Kendall and Kylie cry.
8:00 a.m.-The party planner calls Kim and tells her everything is ready to go for her party tonight. The state of California has been evacuated in order for her to have her party.
8:30 a.m.- Kris Humphries says something stupid
8:35 a.m.-The forgotten siblings Rob, Kendall, and Kylie go out shopping for Kim’s present.
9:00 a.m.-Kim’s girlfriends take her out to a birthday breakfast. Kim pays for it.
11:30 a.m.- Wardrobe change.
12:00 p.m.- Bruce Jenner flies his model helicopter because he isn’t a part of the day’s festivities.
1:00 p.m.-Kim picks up her 20-foot-tall, ass-shaped birthday cake with leopard print icing.
2:00 p.m.- Sad reminiscing about how the Kardashian father would be so proud of his daughters and how he would love to see this day. My dad would be proud too if I was famous for giving Ray J a BJ.
3:15 p.m.- Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim all go to lunch wearing the Kardashian Kollection for Sears.
5:00 p.m.- GLAM TIME, EVERY ONE GETS READY FOR THE PARTY.
9:00 p.m.- The party starts, millions of celebs arrive.
9:45 p.m.- Kim shows up and enters to Jam (Turn It Up).
10:00 p.m.-Scott struggles with whether he should drink or not. He drinks. Obvi.
10:30 p.m.- Kourtney doesn’t know if she can be with someone who drinks two drinks at a party. She has to do what’s best for her and Mason.
11:00 p.m.- Kris Humphries tries to make a toast, but says something stupid instead.
11:30 p.m.-Kris Jenner makes a toast to Kim’s ass for making them all famous.
11:45 p.m.- Kim blows out her 31 candles.
12:00 a.m.- Dancing!
3:00 a.m.- The party is over and the Kardashian klan goes home. E! goes home too, but they will return tomorrow to shoot Mason’s Half-birthday Baby Party!