Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: November Edition

OMG I LEARNED SO MUCH IN COSMO THIS MONTH.

Actually, the things I’ve learned in Cosmo are mostly a small collection of scientific studies a group of middle schoolers could have conducted and learned from. For instance, Cosmo reports that (according to a rip-roaring scientific study) love may actually be able to ease pain. Get THIS: In a “study” people holding hot objects reported feeling better when they were shown pictures of someone they cared about. Oh, really?

“Here honey, hold this scolding coffee pot with your bare hands. Ouch, that hurts? Just look at me! You will feel better!”

Oh, Cosmo. And then according to “recent research” eating fewer carbs reduces belly fat. Did you just fall off your chair? Get back on and keep reading.

In Cosmo’s ‘Fascinating Facts About Love’ article, we learned that men say I love you 42 days before woman do (no idea where they came up with that estimate) and that he’s “more sensitive about relationship issues than you are.” Doesn’t Cosmo get it? Obviously this study came from men’s relationship with fantasy football.

Ok…and since I can’t resist any longer, I have to whip out my favorite article of the month. But be careful, you might get a thong slung at your face! Yes, Cosmo went through the trouble of coming up with ’25 Kinky Things to Do With Your Undies.’ Well, at least they didn’t use the word panties.

Cosmo Says: Use your underwear as a scrunchie.

Brittany Says: And use your bra as a stylish new beanie. NO, Cosmo. This isn’t funny and this isn’t even 80s. Nobody wants to see anyone flaunting what they wear on their punta takin’ up space in their curls.

Cosmo Says: Make a dirty bracelet. Grab a lacy thong, and wrap it around your wrist a few times.

Brittany Says: First of all, I understand what would go into turning butt floss into something I’d wear as jewelry so save the thong meets wrist tutorial. Second of all, this doesn’t deserve a second of all. It’s too dumb.

Cosmo Says: Call it a gunslinger. Slide off your underwear, twirl it around your pointer finger, and shoot it like a rubber band right at him.

Brittany Says: I personally don’t have a pair of undies that have that much elastic force. If I tried this, the thong would just bounce softly back onto my wrist….oh wait, now I understand where the last tip was coming from!

Cosmo Says: Have him place his ankles in the holes of your underwear, almost like you’re tying his feet together. He’ll feel dominated — aka massively turned on.

Brittany Says: Here’s what I/every man heard: Have him place his cute little ankles into the holes of your pink panties with teddies on them. Almost like you’re making him wear your lingerie. He’ll feel feminine — aka man, I feel like a woman.

No idea where Shania Twain came into this.

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