Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
Recently, I’ve had one of the worst things happen to me that could happen to any college student: I had a falling out with my best friend. It was bad. The kind of thing you see in movies, where there’s yelling and tears. She pretty harshly informed me that she didn’t like me anymore. After three years of living together and being close friends, she ditched me to be BFFLs with another girl whom she finds to be more “exciting.”
But that’s not the problem I’m writing to you about. The problem lies in ones of the things my ex-bestie said to me during this final conversation. After basically listing all the things about me that she didn’t like, she also informed me that she didn’t like my boyfriend, John. When I asked why, she said it was because she “didn’t get him.” When I pressed her for a more legitimate reason, she wasn’t really able to give one. She just went on to say that pretty much everyone I knew felt like I was settling for him because I couldn’t find anyone else, and that the fact that I’d date a chubby guy is gross. A little background on my relationship with John: We’ve been dating for 2 months. He’s pretty much my first boyfriend. It took me a long time to find a guy, I won’t lie about that. I’m 21, and John is only the 3rd guy I’ve ever kissed. And yet, I knew from the time I met him that I liked him. He and I just click, and he treats me like gold. He even went out of his way to make sure that he made a good impression on my now ex-bestie when I introduced the two of them, because he wanted my friends to think he was a good person.
Needless to say, he failed. Anyhow, my whole point with this rant is that I’ve been having a nagging feeling ever since she said those things about John. I find myself wondering, “Am I settling for him?” Whenever we’re together, the feelings I have for him are like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But sometimes, when I’m at class during the day or in my room in the evenings, I start thinking about every interaction John and I had that day, searching through my memories for something about him I don’t like, a red flag that maybe I AM in fact just settling, and maybe I’ve just convinced myself that I like him more than I actually do. I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind. I really like John, but yet I’m constantly questioning whether I’m just desperate and I don’t even realize it. My best friend really got inside my head by saying that I was only going out with John for the sake of going out with someone after 21 years of being single.
I just don’t know what to do. In every relationship, there are things about the other person that you won’t like. I know that much for certain. My fear is just that maybe my has-been BFF was right, and I’m in some weird sort of denial about John. I start thinking about little things about him that aren’t ideal. He sometimes forgets to shave before we make out, he doesn’t exercise as much as he should, he snores — does the fact that there are some things about John that I don’t absolutely love me mean that I’m ignoring negative things about him for the sake of just having a boyfriend? In essence, am I therefore settling for him?
Then I get back to thinking about all the ways in which John makes me happy. He smells amazing, he calls me the sunshine of his life, he and I can talk about anything, his chubbiness makes him an excellent person to cuddle with, and he’s smart and funny. Shouldn’t that be enough to indicate that I really truly want to be with him? How do I stop obsessing over what my old best friend said and just enjoy being with John?
Please Help me.
Words Managed to Hurt Me
Dear Words Managed To Hurt Me,
Girl, you need a serious chill pill. Geez. Just reading this gives me anxiety. Calm the floop down.
You’ve been dating John for TWO MONTHS. Settling, not settling–who gives a shoop?! You barely KNOW the guy!!!
I say, if you like John, date John. You seem to like John. So date John. Until you don’t like John.
I mean, honestly. Isn’t that dating?! Meet someone, date someone, like someone and keep dating someone, dislike someone and stop dating someone.
IT’S SERIOUSLY NOT THAT HARD.
So if you like John, keep up the good work.
However, I am seriously concerned here about your lack of good judgement.
First of all, you seem more concerned about whether or not you’re “in denial” about your feelings for John than you are about, oh, say, your fallout with your best friend.
Now, she may just be a craphead. In which case, yes, by all means, forget about her.
But it sounds like she has some serious concerns about you, and it’s in your best interest to at least consider them. After all, this is a person who cared about you very much for a number of years, and it’s certainly someone who knows you well.
So if she said mean things? Floop her. But if there are things like “you aren’t a good listener” or “you’re too self-involved,” then maybe you should take a good look at yourself. We all should be constantly reevaluating our behavior and see how we can be better. Again, if she’s just being a jerk, forget it. But we can all better ourselves; take this opportunity to see if there’s anything she says that, when you think about, maybe you agree with.
Back to the boyfriend. Um, yeah. Who cares if he’s chubby? This thing she finds wrong with you is, I suspect, just a jab. I think you can ignore the idea that she thinks you’re “settling.” But not because you’re SO IN LOVE with him or anything–two months, girl, get a grip!!!–just because it seems like the kind of jerk thing one girl might say to another girl to hurt her feelings.
(1) Forget this “friend.”
(2) Reflect on if anything she says has any truth to it, and, if so, try to fix that behavior.
(3) Forget the stuff she said just to hurt you.
(4) Keep dating John till you decide you don’t like him anymore.
Okay?! Now can you please chill?!
Hearts & Skulls,