magnifier menu chevron-left chevron-right chevron-up comment chevron-up chat_bubble_outline2 share thumbs-up thumbs-down chevron-down

Maxim Says the Darndest Things: November Edition

||

This month, Maxim wants to give thanks for leaves crunching under feet, families gathered around large piles of food and gorgeous women who are wearing nothing but footballs. That pretty much narrows being thankful to three things: pleasure, food and sex. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised.

In the first article spread with a nice blonde girl named Claire (wearing only footballs, duh) and Maxim clawed at an interview with her. After reading the interview, I decided she’s officially ruining every dudes dating habits. Claire says she likes difficult dudes who don’t put her as the top priority of their life. She says her first ideal drink would be drinks and she doesn’t like getting flowers because ugh, not an attention whore! Oh please, go out and admit it already girlfriend. Flowers, constant attention and sober dates where you are waiting for him to grasp your sweaty palm in a movie theater are ALL AWESOME.

In another girl versus Maxim interview, this month’s ‘Maxim Office Assistant’ claims she loves the strong and silent man type. Why? Because the best way for a guy to get her attention is to make serious eye contact and then eventually come over and chat. Wait just a second. I think Alli was bending over too long against the fax machine — a strong and mute young man isn’t going to jump on it for a daring chat session. Sorry. Also, I can’t help noting this article in particular featured a picture of Alli (office assistant) sticking her little lady fist into a fish bowl. The tagline? Fisting Nemo. 

Ugh.

But Halloween is NOT over for Maxim, even in November. In the top sex article this month, they are helping men everywhere become ‘Her Sex Superhero.’ We have a lot to look forward to in November ladies, let’s get a sneak preview!

Maxim Says: Let her know she’s doing a mind blowing job turning you on. A lot of times guys won’t make any noise or response, so let her hear you grunt.

Brittany Says: The first thing I saw after reading this sentence was a giant pig humping a piece of wood. I’m disgusting, aren’t I?

Maxim Says: Get frisky in public. Put your hands down her pants during a movie premier. One girl claims, “He brought me to orgasm right there as the man next to me watched.”

Brittany Says: There we go…force complete strangers to watch you get off in public. I go to a lot of Zac Efron movies — totally inappropriate behavior even for High School Musical!

Maxim Says: Amazing foreplay — the type that sets the stage for her best sex ever — requires a little creativity. Brittany 23, knew she was in for a hot night when a now-ex of hers pulled out a blindfold.

Brittany Says: Key words: now-ex, blindfold.

COLLEGECANDY Writer
If I could eat toast and watch Shark Week all day, every day, my life would exceed perfection status.