College made life so easy. Seriously. I was effortlessly plopped onto a large mass of land with tons of people my age who had the same goals (AKA make it to class and survive finals week sober). Then, college provided all of us with a giant room to eat (cafeteria), a giant room to nurse a hangover and take naps on tables (library) and a giant neighborhood to spend our weekends guzzling weird combinations of booze and Juicy Juice (off campus housing).
College was a large Biodome for easy mistakes, debauchery, learning and living. And now that I’ve been out of college for a while, a few things have become irresistibly harder to accomplish without this grand ol’ biodome of easy living. I’ve dealt with the following combo platter of difficulties in the real world, and in every situation I contemplated ripping my hair out. They get harder to cope with, people! And I’m going to make up this silly excuse that it’s because I’m growing up.
Here are a few things I’m having a tough time dealing with nowadays:
ARE SO HARD. My body is no longer programmed to handle them by hitting the gym and sweating out vodka collins on the tread. Instead, I plop down on the couch and with every pulse, feel the rotting of death inside of me. It’s that bad. In college, a simple Vitamin Water would ease the pain. Now, I have to go through a series of healing tactics (googling pictures of hot men, chugging coconut water, calling my mom and crying, eating tons of pizza, taking walks and constantly complaining).
NEVER WORK. In my head, they sound amazing — especially those first five minutes at work. I sit and imagine lying on one of those blue mats they have in preschools and get queasy thinking about sleep. But if I actually try to close my eyes, my mind is a battle field of thoughts and worries. No sleep for the weary. To top it off, when I wake up from a 30-minute snoozer, I feel like DEATH. Maybe my REM sleep has gotten more intense, mystery behold. Whatever it is, it’s painful.
3. ‘No Strings Attached’ Relationships
CAN’T EXIST. Probably because they don’t begin at a college dive bar and end on a futon. If you try to have one, it ends up feeling desperate and ridiculous. When someone tells me where I can go to snatch up a casual bedtime relationship aside from CraigsList (with a risk of not getting murdered), please hit me up!
4. Natural Oil Hair Treatments
AKA NEVER SHOWERING. Try going to work with greasy hair and a bitter scalp scent. It’s not going to work. And you’re not going to work either once you get fired. In college, I went days without showering. Gross? No, natural.
5. Finding My Inner Self on Google
IS NO LONGER THERAPEUTIC. I remember the days when I used to spend hours on google…image searching hot men, searching myself, getting dirt/hair styling information from celebrities. Now, I just get stressed out by all of the things I should be doing instead. Ugh, real world problems.
6. Vodka Shots
CAN’T BE DONE. I have no idea how I used to cheers my girlfriends and tip back anything that remotely tasted like nail polish remover. Now, I see a bottle of vodka and get that feeling in my chest. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to go live with no regrets. Or have a lot of them and just accept it.
Either way, I’m proud of my college days–and won’t forget all of those moments when I could handle vodka, spontaneous hook-ups, long pointless hours on the internet, being dirty, in depth naps and Thirsty Thursdays. Keep it hush, hush — but it all still leaks into the post grad years. Things just get a little more difficult to endure.