Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve recently hit the 1-year mark in my relationship and everything is going great. Except for one key thing – the sex. It seems everytime I try to initiate anything with the boy I get shot down. It used to be nearly daily, even when I first started school and now its fizzled down, and he wont give me a direct answer why. I’ve tried talking to him and thats doing as well as it would were I talking to a brick wall. Granted he did recently find a job after being unemployed for several months, but it’s not exactly a stressful one, and it’s only a few times a week. I’m there through everything he goes through and the rare times he DOES want to initiate something, of course I’m down – I just want to know why he shoots me down when I’m the initiator.
Am I still wanted?
Dear Am I still wanted?,
I mean, yeah, probably.
Sex is like a wave, see? Or the wind. Or like–
Okay, what I’m trying to say is, sex drives ebb and flow. You dig? So, sometimes, as a couple, you may have sex every day, and sometimes you guys may only have sex once a week. It’s not a big deal.
And these things are especially sensitive to changes in lifestyle. Even though your BF may not be totally stressed out, he’s still having to shift his focus to something new. He may just be a little worn out. Try not to take it personally.
What IS a big deal, however, is that he isn’t being accommodating.
It’s like, okay, once you enter into an adult relationship and the agreement is you’re having sex and everyone’s happy, that’s a set rule. When one person suddenly doesn’t want to have sex, they actually DO owe the other person an explanation.
So he better start talking.
Also, kiddo, it’s pretty messed up of him to assume he’s the only one who decides when you have sex. It’s cruel to constantly shoot down a sexual partner. As you now know, it really floops up a person’s self-esteem.
So, although I don’t think there’s anything seriously wrong in the way he’s feeling about you, I DO think there’s a discussion that needs to be had. Sit that fool down and tell him he’s hurting your feelings. Explain that you totally get he’s stressed out and you’re happy to accommodate him, but that he needs to let you know how he’s feeling so you don’t take it personally.
And he also should really give you SOMETHING even if he doesn’t feel like going all the way. For instance, if he’s too tired for sex but you’re all revved up, he could offer to do an easier sexual favor for you.
Have this talk and keep it light. Don’t attack him and you’ll get a better, more honest response.
Hearts & Skulls,
Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.