Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: December Edition

Adele and her scary pointy fingernails are on Cosmo’s December cover. Turns out writing AMAZING music isn’t the only thing that results from a serious breakup (also included: nails fit to claw someone’s eyes out).
Aside from a fierce lady on the cover, Cosmo really gathered a fabulous mishmash of takeaways from this month’s issue. Great, easier for me to gather the ridiculousness! To sum all of the nonsense up, Cosmo wants you to set an alarm for sex every morning, wear dangly earrings to draw attention to your neck and be tremendously creeped out by the 31% of dudes that would track their girl via GPS. Ugh, thinking about getting Adele’s pointy nails.
After crusing through Cosmo’s thin pages, I came across ‘His Top 5 Sex Dreams.’ Because, apparently, all men dream about is orgasms, naughty ex-girlfriend sex, getting it on with vampires and…masterbating. Visions of lingerie and boobies dancing in his head! I’m not even batting an eyelash at that one. Also, if you were dying to know, men grab an object and bite their lip when they’re spouting out a BIG FAT LIE. That means, next time he bites his lips and grabs your boobs, call him out. It will be weird.
Cosmo was nice enough this month to ask men for their favorite wang slang. You read that right, Cosmo actually constructed a survey of penis name feedback. Among the top contenders? The General, Knob, (Free) Willy, Joystick, Lizard, Twig’n Berries. Let us take a moment of pee-pee silence to be exponentially scared.
Of course, sex and nakedness did not stop there. Cosmo took it upon themselves to list ’20 Reasons to be Naked This Winter.’ My only reason is to take a scolding hot shower and drink chai at the same time. But why not run around outside in your towel or a hit a super awkward naked yoga class, am I RIGHT PEOPLE?!
Of course, I smiled when I landed on the sex article for this month. A triumphant ‘100 Best Sex Tips of the Year.’ Man, this better blow my mind.
Cosmo Says: Push an exercise ball up against the wall, have him sit on it and bounce on him.
Brittany Says: This is not a ‘Best Sex Tip of the Year’ award-winning move. I do this kind of sh*t with my roommate/in my office. In a non-sexual way of course. And not together. Oops, digging a hole.
Cosmo Says: Flash him when he opens the car door for you. The fall 2011 ad for Agent Provocateur features actress Paz de la Huerta doing just this.
Brittany Says: First of all, I didn’t understand the last part of that sentence. Who cares who that Agent Provocative Slut-Bag is anyway? They obviously live in an exotic location and don’t spend a lot of time in supermarket parking lots.
Cosmo Says: Shut the garage door, climb onto the hood of your car and have your guy enter you standing up.
Brittany Says: What about a 2001 Ford Escort turns YOU on?
Cosmo Says: Let him use his big toe to stimulate your clitoris.

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