Ask A Dude: How Can I Convince My Boyfriend To Let My Ex Move In?

Dear Dude,
I have an awkward situation. I’m in a relationship with a guy I really like. However, he has never been comfortable about the amount of time I spend with one of my guy friends (let’s call him Brian). Brian and I were friends with benefits for awhile in college and are still good friends, although we never hook up anymore. My boyfriend knows I love him and wouldn’t cheat on him, so he accepts that Brian and I are friends, even though he doesn’t like it much.
However, things just took a turn. One of my roommates is moving out. Brian is friends with my other roommates and is the only potential new roommate that my other roommates want to live with. We have all been friends for a long time and I think we would work out together as roommates. However, I know this puts my boyfriend in an awkward spot. Is there a way to make him feel better about it? Or another alternative? I can’t afford to pay the rent that I would have if we don’t get another roommate.
Girl Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Girl Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place,
People (notice I’m not just saying “guys”) can get a little territorial when it comes to having to deal with former FWB and/or exes. Does it mean there’s a lack of trust on his part that it bugs him? Yeah…to a small extent. Is it a lack of trust in you? Not from his point of view.
See, we trust you, we don’t trust HIM. Because we’ve probably been him at some point. And so we really know not to trust him. So we tend to get a little, miffed, shall we say, when it comes to guys who’ve been to the top of the mountain before us. On the other hand, Brian needs to just f*cking deal with the facts of life.
A situation’s arisen where it’s beneficial financially for you to be roommates with a former f*ck buddy. Not an ideal situation from Brian’s perspective, and somewhat understandingly, but those are the birds and the bees of how it is. He can’t expect you to risk being homeless because he’s got machismo issues going on. If you want to make him feel better…sex? Yeah, sex. Lots of sex. And by sex what I’m ACTUALLY suggesting is just a bit of stroking…of the ego. A little more affection, a little extra attention, and that should be enough. Ease his worries, though they are unfounded and confounding.
The only other alternatives you’ve got are Craig’s List and Facebook. Find a new room mate. But then again, you’d be restructuring your life, financial security, and possibly physical security, just to appease your boyfriend’s insecurities. It’s an alternative, not a recommended one, IMO.
The bottom line is this: reassure. If Brian can’t handle it and you think you could potentially find another roomie, then it might not be a terrible thing to look into. But if these insecurities are deep enough that Brian can’t be the bigger man and see the larger perspective, then Brian’s got to deal with his issues. Or Brian may be finding himself out of the picture.
You can try to talk him through this but when it comes to jealousy, most people seem impervious to logic, reason, or reality. I hope Brian’s the exception. Keep at him, keep on him, and keep with him unless he pushes you past the point of no return. This isn’t about you, it’s about him. His baggage is what’s burdening your situation. And just make him aware, that if he can’t learn to cope, that baggage is going to drown your relationship.
Best of luck on your future endeavors,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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