Ask A Dude: Should I Be The Other Woman?

Dear Dude,
I’m writing to you because I cannot stand sugarcoated advice, and I really can’t tell anyone else about this situation. Okay, so about a year ago, I met a guy in class and we really hit it off…. Problem was, he had a girlfriend. We started talking more and more though, he confided in me about his relationship, and our friendship grew stronger. I liked him a lot, so of course I couldn’t help but be excited when he told me that he had broken up with her.
By that point we were texting or talking pretty much daily. There had always been great chemistry between us, unlike anything I have ever felt before, so when our conversations starting turning sexual, I couldn’t have been happier to go along with it. I had never been so open with anyone; I felt as though I could tell him anything. Even more importantly, for the first time in my life I felt sexy and desired. Then, a few months later, he informed me that he was dating another girl. I was crushed, but at the same time I cared enough about him as a person that if he wanted to just be friends, I would legitimately be willing to be the best friend I could to him. If I still had him in my life and could spend time with him, I was okay with shutting down that part of our relationship at least temporarily.
So, for a while we didn’t have a problem. He would tell me about his girlfriend, about how much he loved her and never wanted to lose her. Obviously this hurt me, but I never let him know that. See, at the same time I was glad that he could still be so open with me. The problem came when he began to initiate dirty conversations again, which leads us up to the present time. I’m torn, because I still have stronger feelings for him than I have ever experienced for anyone else, and I love it when he talks to me like that. I just feel badly enabling any kind of cheating, and I don’t know how or where to draw the line. Oh, and for a further complication, would this be a good time to mention that I’m a virgin, too? I have never been in a relationship and I think that is making it even harder for me to take a firm stand here.
Finally, recently I have realized that I would not want to be dating him, anyways. Our lifestyles are not really compatible (but that’s what excites me about him – he’s a bad boy, I’m a good girl) and obviously I know firsthand of his cheating tendencies. So what should I do? Resisting him seems counter intuitive when he’s the one that I want, and yet it’s getting harder for me to treat him as a friend in public when we see each other between classes, knowing that we’ve gotten off to thoughts of each other the night before. We still see each other often and he’s very much a part of my life that I don’t want to lose, but at the same time we don’t spend any time alone together anymore because we know that if we do, our clothes are coming off, to put it simply. I can’t get him out of my mind, but I’m struggling with the idea of being “the other woman.” Telling myself that I deserve a better relationship than this doesn’t help, either, when he is the epitome of everything that I want right now. What’s the next step, Dude?
Please help!
F***able Friend
Dear F***able Friend,
A cheater cheats, always…well, maybe not but this guy sounds like he’s got a certain Ashton Kutcher pattern thing happening. By the by, thanks Ashton for making Demi Moore, the hottest MILF, back on the market!
Digression aside, you’ve got yourself into a sexy and not exactly morally ambiguous corner. Oh, you can make all the arguments about how you’re not the initiator, so it’s not as much your fault, or how you don’t really encourage him, or it’s not like the relationship he’s in sounds that serious, and so on and so on and so on. The bottom line of it is this: you want to f*ck him and it sounds like he’d like to f*ck you.
So, f*ck.
That’s what you really want to hear, isn’t it?
Look, he’s a cheater. You ain’t looking for a relationship with him. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want one with you when he dropped you for another girl. The girl’s going to get hurt no matter what once she finds out he’s a cheater. And, more likely than not, he’ll cheat with somebody, so why not you? Should you cheat? NO! Should you homewreck? NO! But all the “shoulds” in the world don’t change the fact that you two want to flip through at least the first 100 positions in Kama Sutra together. So is there really any point in me telling you not to do something you’re probably going to do anyway?
Just don’t pussyfoot around it. Accept what you’re doing: you’re going to satisfy a craving and in doing so probably hurt another person brutally. And listen, you’re not just an accomplice if you’re the girl he’s cheating with, you’re a flat out culprit. If that doesn’t bother you, then whatevs. Just accept the role you’re about to play. You’ll be the other woman. You’ll be the bitch. You’ll be dragged into his relationship drama. You’ll also, probably, have some hot sex, lose your virginity and set a precedent for all future sexual encounters and relationships with men. Probably…that’s not a definite either, it all depends on the blowback (tee-hee-hee).
If you don’t want to enable his cheating heart then you’ve got to be firm in the boundaries you set or just stop having contact with him. But you don’t want to do that, you’ve made it clear. And if the idea of looking for someone else to satisfy the craving isn’t enough, then, well, you’ve cut off all the other options. You’re wrapped up in a sexy game where you get to be the bad girl and stray from your good girl track record. We all do sh*t things in life. Sometimes they’re as bad as we think they’ll be, sometimes they aren’t, and sometimes they turn out surprisingly good for us.
I don’t endorse the cheating but it doesn’t sound like you’re looking for me to talk you out of it either. Just know the possible consequences: a LOT more drama that could ruin the whole experience with this guy. You’re an adult. Make an adult decision. Even if you know it’s wrong. Stand by it and take what comes is all I’m saying.
Telling you what you already know,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Candy Dish: Hump Day
Candy Dish: Hump Day
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