He Said/She Said: Sex Toys for Sexytimes?

The politics surrounding sex toys are quite curious. I’m occasionally struck by the idea that sex toy is a bit of a misnomer. Most of the time when we think about sex toys, it’s in the context of masturbation, not intercourse, is it not? But what happens when sex toys transcend the gap between self-pleasure and mutual satisfaction? Not for the sexually timid, I would suggest — but it is quite tempting to contemplate adding one good thing (sex toys) to another good thing (sex). Why is introducing sex toys into your sex life a step that many find daunting to consider? No, I’ll admit I’ve not tried it, but under the right circumstances, I’d not be averse to it either. In fact, researching this column has made me decidedly curious…

But first, let’s consider sex toys and their use in general. Although female masturbation is still an arguably controversial topic, simultaneously it’s relatively normal (even expected) that a young (single) woman should own a vibrator. It’s sexy, it’s a bit naughty, it’s liberating. Women will talk about vibrators with their friends with nary a blush to be seen. Gals all over the world will get themselves off with the help of their dear Lelo Lily.

But a young man who owns a Fleshlight? Now that’s just downright gross and disturbing (apparently). Women, it seems, have reaped the benefits of that infamous Sex and the City episode, while the topic of male use of sex toys seems to have slipped under the radar, to the point of marginalisation. Perhaps it’s because male masturbation (the old-fashioned way) is so ubiquitous in mass culture, it’s no longer truly a taboo. It seems to be generally assumed that men have all they need to achieve their own satisfaction – a hand, some hand cream, and (optional) pornography to their taste – end of story. With such a standard set for men, is it any wonder that stepping outside the mould and employing sex devices can be a little uncomfortable for them?

That’s what needs to be kept in mind if you want to introduce sex toys into your sex life. The issue, in my opinion, should be raised with care. Whipping out your trusty rabbit mid-shag is perhaps not the best way to bring it up. Post-coital would be similarly tactless – imagine, your man is lying there aglow with post-sex endorphins, feeling like Casanova for getting you off (hopefully), when suddenly you quietly insinuate that sex would be so much better with a little mechanical stimulation. Don’t burst his bubble like that. But next time your conversation turns a bit raunchy, perhaps insert a comment about how you would be curious to see what sex is like with a toy or two. If he’s keen, talk it over and you might be surprised where things may lead.

I would also suggest doing your research; there’s a world of sex toys beyond your faithful vibrator, and you might just find something that will perfectly satisfy the needs of your relationship. Indeed, a quick survey of my male friends reveals that they would be rather alarmed at the sight of an improbably large, neon-pink creation with unnerving features like rotating beads and a clit stimulator. So if your partner is apprehensive, proceed with a little more caution. There are toys made especially for couples’ use – a cursory Google search unearths all sorts of double-ended vibrators, vibrating love rings, even toys that can be used in the shower! If you’re not particularly keen on all things vibrating, perhaps look into bondage gear, nipple clamps or even a whip.

With a little daring and communication, a girl’s best friend can become a couple’s best friend and add an interesting dynamic to your sex life. If you’re curious, give it a try, but if either party aren’t interested remember that you can always use your toys for some scintillating solo stimulation. Have fun!

Check out what He Said by heading over to COEDMagazine.com!

Ask A Dude: A Look Back At 2011's Most Memorable Questions
  • 10614935101348454