Ask A Dude: Why Do Guys Always Choose My Friends Over Me?

Hey Dude,

I’m not ugly. Not by a long shot. I mean, I’m only a 32B and lack curves, but I’m pretty, and I’ve had plenty of guys tell me this. The problem is: nobody wants me. Ever. I attempt flirting, but guys always go for my curvy friends.

Even though I don’t understand sports, I’m able to talk to guys fairly easily. I’ve had guy friends since I was 10 years old, when most of my female friends didn’t have them until they were 13. I can talk about Star Wars, roller coasters, whatever. I’m very good at being able to talk about pretty much anything, even if I don’t know about the topic.

But why do guys always go for my friends? Why am I always the one left completely alone? I’m as virginal as they come because no guy wants me. When my friends and I go into the city, it’s impossible for someone not to stare at my friends. Guys completely ignore me.

It also seems like the rare guys I do attract are either sweet but socially inept geeks or total douches that just want my body. Why is it so impossible for me to find someone moderately attractive and sweet?

I feel completely lost. I’ve contemplated a boob job, dying my hair blonde and wearing blue contact lenses in hope that somebody would be attracted to me, but am afraid of losing “me.” The problem is, “me” isn’t attractive enough for anybody.

What do I do?

Thanks,

Leulah Maloney

Dear Leulah Maloney

You don’t need a boob job. You don’t need contact lenses. You don’t need to dye your hair. You just need to be the “you” that you want to be.

Looks can initiate a meet but they don’t always carry the guy home with you. It takes more than just having a lot of curves. And, Hell, 32B ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed of. Sometimes the reason lies not within our stars but within ourselves and sometimes we’re just in the wrong f*cking solar system.

To an extent what you’re lacking is perspective. You’re hurt and battered emotionally by the rejection and neglect to the point where you can’t see the Tardis from the telephone booth.

There are tons of theories out there having to do with why we feel like we’re always being passed over for other people. A lot of those theories actually boil down to one hyphenated word: self-confidence.

The theory being that nobody can love you until you love yourself. It definitely does sound like you’re lacking confidence in yourself. That doesn’t mean confidence alone is the only thing that’ll help, but it’s one thing that will. The trick is to get in a position where you find yourself feeling confident. This has a lot to do with how you’re meeting guys. If trying to pick up guys in the city isn’t working, then look elsewhere. Ask yourself: Where do I feel like I’m at my best? When do I feel the most comfortable? Then see if there’s a way to exploit that activity/hobby/place into giving you the booster you need to be bolder. On the other hand, there are plenty of unhealthy relationships out there based on the fact that one or both people involved have no self-confidence and that’s what the whole codependent miserable thing is hinged on. Again, those are unhealthy relationships, so I don’t recommend looking for a hook up with a guy because he lacks any sense of individuality.

The main thing is that you feel lost. When people feel lost, they often get scared and they project that fear in all kinds of ways that they may not even be conscious of. This is where the idea of perspective really comes into play. Ask your friends, who see you out with guys, how you tend to come off. Ask them to be honest. Maybe there’s something you’re doing that you don’t know you’re doing but it tells other people “I’m closed off.” Then again, it could be about standards.

Nobody thinks their standards are out of whack. From our own viewpoint what we’re looking for is perfectly reasonable. Even when we refuse to settle for anything less than Yvonne Strahovski. Reevaluate the pattern of the type of guys you’ve been attracted to. Go the opposite route one night. Sometimes a change of pace gets us out of a rut.

There are a thousand ways to skin the cat but they all start with you. You make a change. You take another step forward. You put yourself out there one more time. There’s nothing wrong with feeling lost. There’s nothing wrong with feeling lonely. Sometimes the more we fight against something, the stronger we make it. I’m not saying change your life and I’m not saying simply think it and it will happen. I’m saying hold on to the belief in yourself that you are desirable, you do deserve to feel desired, and let go of all the restraints for a little while.

Be willing to get a little lost, with the idea in mind that you’ll find yourself someplace new. And that new place might just be where you’ve felt yourself struggling to get to all along.

Don’t stop believing,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

The Most Controversial He Said/She Saids Ever Written
  • 10614935101348454