Maxim Says the Darndest Things: January Edition

What better way for Maxim to start off 2012 than to have J-Woww gracing the cover? Because nothing says relevant and timely quite like a Jersey Shore cast member. Oh, wait, it’s not 2010 any more. Regardless, JWoww looks kind of really comfortable and sexy while embracing the super sleazetastic Maxim aesthetic.
Flipping through the pages, I was inundated with dead eyes, slightly parted mouths and an absurd amount of sideboob. I get it, all boob is sexy, but some angles are sillier than others. Naturally, every man in this magazine was fully clothed and allowed to have an actual facial expression. Typical. And the relationship advice… oh, what a wreck and a complete and utter waste of paper. Ladies, did you know that as long as men buy us things, we’ll completely forgive them for being thoughtless and disrespectful losers? And that if guys cheat on us, we’ll let it slide if they buy us puppies? Because nothing says love like gifting someone an animal that they’ll have to potty train.
The real gem of this issue, though, is a country-by-country guide to all the countries men should go to for various sexual endeavors. Yes, it’s just as objectifying, reductionist and utterly terrible as it sounds.
Maxim says: If you’re into bisexual chicks, head to Sweden.
Jasmine says: Bisexual women were not placed on earth for the sole arousal of desperate and horny men. Get real.
Maxim says: If you’re into easy chicks, head to New Zealand.
Jasmine says: Please introduce me to a woman who has never in her life said “no.” I refuse to believe they exist.
Maxim says: If you’re a two-pump chump, head to Thailand.
Jasmine says: Rude. There’s no reason to encourage men to take their sexual ineptitude global.
Maxim says: If you’re into women with low expectations, head to Germany.
Jasmine says: Sexy Michael Fassbender is from Germany. Their expectations can’t be that low.
Maxim says: If you’re a boob man, head to Australia.
Jasmine says: Anyone who crosses oceans for some boobies deserves nothing good in their life, ever.
Maxim says: If you’re into sharing, head to France.
Jasmine says: This is one instance in which I would totally support France’s utter distaste for Americans.
Maxim says: If you’re into cougars, head to Canada.
Jasmine says: Canada has been nothing but supportive of us for the last century or so. America’s hat doesn’t deserve more of our lameness.

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