Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: February Edition

Miss Dakota Fanning’s Cosmo cover caused a bit of a stir because she’s not quite 18, but I really didn’t see the issue, considering they made this gorgeous, youthful, vibrant girl look like an overworked 45 year old soccer mom who got dragged to this photo shoot after staying up all night with her vomiting toddler. Definitely one of the least flattering covers I’ve seen as of late.

I haven’t picked up an issue of Cosmo since, like, 2007, but I still felt an intense sense of deja vu while flipping through it. I am amazed at the way they can regurgitate the same sex tips over and over and over again. ┬áDid you know that guys like when you stroke them and suck them at the same time? That they love both girl-on-top and doggy style for their respective views? Unreal, right? And their “too naughty to print on the cover” tip? Is an acrobatic version of 69. Thrilling. (Although maybe I should be grateful that it wasn’t anal. *yawn*)

My favorite article was definitely the one that highlights the questions men really want to ask on a first date. Oh, how I love getting insight into total sleazeballs.

Cosmo says: How many dates do we have to go on before we agree to split the bill?
Jasmine says: I really don’t understand why this issue is so contentious. The person who did the inviting should make an offer to pay. If you make it to a second date, you should be able to casually be like “Hey, how do you want to split this?” Because, you know, assuming you’re an adult, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

Cosmo says: Do you like performing oral sex?
Jasmine says: Snooze. How about wondering how she likes receiving it?

Cosmo says: How high-maintenance are you from a scale from 1-10?
Jasmine says: Because all women are intrinsically high-maintenance and impossible to please, am I right?

Cosmo says: Are you on birth control?
Jasmine says: The fact that there are men out there who refuse to acknowledge that condoms exist, and that they can be used by them never fails to disgust me.

Cosmo says: Do you talk to your ex?
Jasmine says: Isn’t the more relevant question “Do you still want to be with your ex?”

Cosmo says: Are we going to have sex tonight?
Jasmine says: You know what, I wish people would talk openly and honestly about sex upfront. It would be nice to know ahead of time if you’re going to be boning a hitter-and-quitter, stage-5 clinger, or a waiting-for-marriage outlier.

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