The Skank-o-Meter: Look Sexy, Not Skanky

Lindsay Lohan kind of shocked everyone recently by actually looking decent in a recent Love Magazine photo shoot, as opposed to her…uh…less polished photo shoot she did (just for kicks?) with Terry Richardson. It got me thinking: How can Lindsay teach us the very important difference between looking sexy and looking like a total skankbag? I know, it’s a very important question, so I’m glad Lindsay took the initiative to show us.
Firstly, brush your hair, or at least make it look like you haven’t been sleeping on a dirty mattress for a few days. And use some dry shampoo or something. If you have the motivation, maybe even wash your hair. Cleanliness is next to sexiness, and no one wants to cuddle up to someone whose hair smells like the dumpster behind McDonald’s.
Remember to keep your nipples covered. This is a very important step to not looking like the new trick on the worst corner of Ho Town. Get some double stick body tape, or even regular double stick tape, and lock your top into place. Even if it’s not low-cut. You never know when those sneaky nips are going to try to ruin your night and/or your reputation.
Don’t make an expression like you just got hit in the back of the head by a two-by-four. Lindsay is the master of this expression, but she’s effectively pulled it in enough to make even Tyra believe she’s “smizing,” and not just on a break between benders. I know you might think the mouth open, glazed eyes expression is dead sexy, but mostly it just makes you look like you are dead. But not literally; just dead on the inside.
Look at your nails. Are they dirty? You should probably clean them. Everything looks classier with a good filing and a nice coat of nail polish. Even if you’ve been scrounging around in the back of a pick up truck for a few days.
Have a few drinks. And by drinks, I don’t mean bottles. I mean, a margarita or two or maybe even three if you’ve had a long day. If at any point you start to think it’d be a good idea to put on a fur vest, call someone immediately; you need to be removed before you start purposefully flashing your panties to people. And trust me, as much as you think they want to see, they really, really don’t.
There you go, girls: How to toe the line between sexy and skanky, as demonstrated by Lindsay Lohan…who is definitely an expert. When it comes down to it, just remember that if you ever feel like a picture of you would show up in the “Sexy” tag on WeHeartIt, you should probably call it a night. What do you guys think is sexy vs. skanky?

Candy Dish: Whipped Cream + Yachts = True Love
Candy Dish: Whipped Cream + Yachts = True Love
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