13 Signs You’re Dating a Douche


We’ve all been there. A few times. You meet a guy who seems awesome–he’s super cute, funny, charming and has a fabulous job or some sexy artistic ability. Over martinis with the girls you gush about how great he is and how much you have in common. I mean, you’ve just met, but you’re practically soul mates, right? I’ll speak from personal experience. I’m attracted to confident, beautiful and talented men. I can’t help it. It’s not about a certain ‘type’ or laundry list of criteria, because those three adjectives can fit a number of looks and occupations. My friends will tell you that I date ass-holes. Do I like falling for these guys? No. No girl does. And it’s not about nice guys finishing last. It’s about a rarity in a particular combination of desirable characteristics. Stay with me.  Most confident, beautiful and talented men humans are a bit self-centered. Because they can be. Is it possible for confident, beautiful and talented people to also be kind, selfless and good? Absolutely. They are just harder to find.

In all my years of dating douche bags, my radar has become incredibly keen. I have compiled a list of red flags that communicate your man is not worth it and should be dropped immediately. He won’t change for you, and he won’t change for the girl he meets after you (although she may be insecure enough to put up with him).

He Doesn’t Ask You About You
The easiest way to gauge if a guy is genuinely interested in you is to evaluate how hard he tries to get to know you. If you’re out and find that the conversation is always about him, then the relationship will be all about him, too.

He Checks Himself Out
…in mirrors, windows, insert any reflective surface here. If he’s standing next to you, he shouldn’t be that worried about his appearance. You’re the only girl he should be aiming to impress.

He “Makes Plans” After 10pm
If he sends a text after 10pm to ask, “Hey what are you doing tonight?” you should let him know that it is ‘night’ and you’re busy.

He Can’t Keep Up in Conversation
If you feel like he’s not listening to you, he’s not. “Wait, what?” should not be a common response in your story. Conversation is a two way exchange. Guys who really care about you will cling to every word and actually add to the dialogue.

He Lets You See the Bill He’s Picking Up
I am all about splitting checks 50/50 (exception: a good guy will pick up the check on the first date). However, if a guy insists on picking up the tab, he shouldn’t flaunt how much he’s spending. It’s just ill-mannered.

Everything is On His Time
Because he’s so much busier and more important? Not likely. Relationships only work when both parties are willing to put in equal effort. You don’t want to be with someone who thinks his time and priorities are superior to yours. If he always has you come to his side of town or stay at his place, because it’s ‘more convenient,’ you should ditch.

He Get’s More Drunk than You on Your Birthday
If he is always the drunkest guy at the party, he’s a douche. Every once in a while, he should carry YOU home. Especially on special occasions. I once dated a guy who, on my birthday, was pulled away by my best friend to be hand-fed crackers. So embarrassing.

He Can’t Remember Your Friends
There’s nothing more annoying than a guy who can never remember that he’s met your best friend four times. This is sure to make your crew hate him, which won’t make a serious relationship easy. If he was really into you, he’d care about impressing your friends.

He Waits 10 Years to Respond
I’m not saying you should expect an immediate response, but anyone that takes over 24 hours to respond to you doesn’t really give a shit. No one is THAT busy, and it takes 30 seconds to respond to a text. He can at least say, ‘Busy, text you later.’

He Tans
This one shouldn’t need an explanation beyond ‘Jersey Shore.’ Don’t date a diva.

He Cancels a Date via Text
This is so elementary and immature. Be a man, grow a pair and pick up the phone to call. While some ‘busy in a meeting at work’ exceptions do apply, a man should call to make or break a date.

He’s Selfish Between the Sheets
This should be a no brainer. If he’s not concerned about your satisfaction in bed, why in the world would you sleep with him? You’re not a cum-dumpster. Sex should be a generous affair for both parties.

He Makes the Gym a Bigger Priority
I’m a huge supporter of physical fitness. I like to run 3-4 times a week, and I want a guy who cares about being in shape as well. But if he can find time for the gym every day and only manage to block off one night a week for me, I’m concerned. Shouldn’t he be working out so I’m dying to rip his clothes off more often?

I love tacos and tequila, and I strictly adhere to the 'no pants Sunday' rule.