Dear Jordan Powers,
Today, as I was lustily lounging in the luscious California sun, I heard about your secretive sexual affair with your balding babe of a teacher. As things got hot and humid, I also heard that your modest, meek town of Modesto has their purple polka-dotted panties all in a bunch. They’re upset because your titillating teacher is tastelessly taking off and leaving his wonderful wife and children. You’re an enchanting 18 year old, and he’s a fun 41 year old.
As all my fabulously flirtatious fans know, I love mature men. I created daring drama when I married my luscious, libidinous lover Doug Hutchinson a few marvelous, memorable months ago. He was manly and mature at 51, and I was a fresh, fierce fledgling at 16. Petty people put down our passion, but our lusty love was legitimate.
I’m a commendable Christian girl. My risqué romance had my parents’ benevolent blessing, and I remained arousingly, ardently abstinent until my wanton wedding day. But your mother found 8,000 tantalizing, taboo texts on your phone starting way back in the dangerous, dripping days of summer. Your passionate professor was still married then.
Adultery is a sin. There’s nothing sexy, sensuous, seductive, slinky, spicy, steamy, snazzy, sultry, stimulating, sublime, shimmering, or stirring about it. Find yourself a lascivious, lusty older lover. But find one who’s salaciously single. I can’t support unchaste unions that involve awful adultery.
Besides, only I can be America’s favorite seductive, scandalous spouse.
Lots of lustful luscious love,