Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: April Edition

Megan Fox is on the cover of this month’s Cosmo, which kind of makes me wonder why I haven’t seen her around lately. She’s been pretty MIA for a while, so I was glad to find out she was still alive, even though my self-esteem takes a nose-dive every time I see her. April is my birth month (I turn 21 on the tenth!) so I was excited to learn that in addition to my hopefully-copious amounts of Birthday Sex, I can learn “The Hard-Core New Success Secret to You On Top Sex,” “What He Wants to SEE During Sex” and a little quip about Ryan Gosling’s butt – yum.
In Megan Fox’s piece, she gushes about how wonderful it is to be married. I can’t help but wonder – how did that happen? I thought she was going to be a single vixen forever – a la Angelina Jolie (because her and Brad aren’t technically married). But she does call herself out in the Cosmo Quiz by saying, “I’m not as vapid/bitchy or fit as I look.” Well, that’s good; at least you’re acknowledging your permanent bitch-face, although she seems pretty genuine in this article. She also admits that her celebrity crush is Johnny Depp. Me too, Megan. I’ve never wanted a pirate more.
Cosmo’s big center article was “101 Things About Men!” My question is why 101? Why not just forget the last thing and leave it at an even 100? But I learned a lot from this piece. Like that men really are bad at listening, and it’s not their fault. To counteract this biological phenomenon I need to speak slowly and not approach him when he’s watching TV or something. Please, Cosmo, I know how to get a man’s attention. “Don’t tell him anything important when he’s texting, or cooking.” Well, no crap. I don’t want to be berated when I’m busy either. Common sense. Maybe men and women are more alike than we think – none of that “women are from Venus” bologna.
In an article titled The Thing He’s Dying To See During Sex”, Cosmo talks about how to give your man the best view during sex. According to Cosmo, “Men get intensely turned on watching themselves enter you.” Well, okay, that seems hot – except I’m really not concerned about what he wants to see during sex. I’m concentrating on the actual act of sex.
And joy, “The 50 Wildest Sex Secrets Revealed!” gave me enlightening insight to what turns guys on. I never knew a lot of these things before…(I am being sarcastic).
Cosmo says: “In an ideal world, vaginal intercourse would last ten to fifteen minutes.”
Molly says: “That’s it!?”
Cosmo says: “62% of men will have sex with a woman on her period.”
Molly says: “I’ve never given a man his red-wings. I feel like that would be…messy.”
Cosmo says: “44% of men wanted to, and have performed, anal sex.”
Molly says: “I’ve heard good things about it, but that is strictly an exit, not an entrance. I can’t believe it feels better than a really nice poop.”
Molly is slowly dying inside because she stupidly decided to take on a triple major in English, Journalism and Broadcasting at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Yes, we have electricity; no I don’t live on a farm. Follow my Midwestern ramblings @mahannah410 on twitter.

Pizza Roulette, the Game From Hell…Pizza
Pizza Roulette, the Game From Hell…Pizza
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