Sexy Time: It Takes Two to Tango


There was an oh-so-charming piece published in Esquire last week written by a gentleman who is fed up with all the mediocre sex he’s having. Despite the fact that sex requires (at least) two participants, he put the onus of his inadequate sex life on his partners. Because there’s nothing sexier than a dude who refuses to take any responsibility. Am I right, ladies? He describes his worst lovers as being unenthusiastic and uncommunicative, while simultaneously describing his own skills as somewhere around “adequate.” Because mere “adequacy” is a total panty-dropper. The article is definitely tacky and leaves a lot to be desired.

I was also less than thrilled with the general response I read from women. Women who failed to see any problem with choosing to be a dull lay instead of taking control of the situation or extracting themselves. The idea that women should only be as good as their partner in bed is utterly absurd to me. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – life is too short for bad sex. We can’t always control other people, but (ideally) we have agency over ourselves. If you’re not satisfied, it’s at least partially your fault.

Good sex takes work, on both partners’ part. The thing is, each person comes in with their own preferences, experiences, and skill sets. Sometimes they align, and sometimes they don’t. When they don’t,  communication is paramount. That may not be as sexy as being cosmically connected, but closed mouths don’t get fed. The only way a bad or incompatible lover can get better is to be given feedback. Unfortunately, some people fail to recognize the significance of things like saliva control, foreplay, rhythm…and if you end up consenting to relations with people like this, it’s your social responsibility to at least guide them a little bit. If not for your pleasure, then for the pleasure of every unsuspecting soul after you who ends up in bed with them. Consider it charity.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to choose whether you want great sex, or if you want boring/bad/mediocre sex. Society tries to instill in us the idea that as ladies, we’re supposed to be sexually passive, that we only have sex to satisfy others, that we don’t really have much to contribute to sex. But we are so much more than that, and we it owe it to ourselves to take control of  our sexuality and hold ourselves and our partners up to the high standards that we deserve.

Mariah Carey's closet is what I see when I dream at night. Email me at stilettosandpearlnecklaces [at]!