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True Life: I Hate Kids


This morning I walked into work, fast food and Starbucks in hand, severely hung-over only to see my boss and her brand new baby girl visiting from maternity leave. The entire office cooed at the baby asking to hold her and I stood there frozen, silently begging that she wouldn’t ask me if I wanted to hold her child…namely because, I can’t stand children

I hate that I can’t control them, which is hypocritical because I used to be one, but every time I see one I just think of how messy and sticky they are. Blame it on being locked out of the house by a five-year-old terror whilst babysitting back in the day, but the thought of being around children makes me shudder. I can’t interact with them. I am either too mature or too “coddling”, and they never, ever, ever do what I say. Not to mention their annoying, from toddlers to teenie-boppers, I can find a trait with every single one that literally makes the short fuse to the ticking time bomb that is my anger ignite.

My maternal instincts are crap too. Half the kids I graduated with are having babies and proudly displaying them all over Facebook. While I’m ecstatic that my peers are so excited that they went through the miracle of childbirth, I can’t help but think how much of a burden that child would be. I just KNOW I would resent it for holding my back from a few of my more lofty dreams. I know that’s wrong, it’s not the baby’s fault – but the thought of birthing children – or even spending 9 months with a bun in the oven all fat, and uncomfortable keeps me awake at night.

Maybe it’s because I’m still a kid myself, but children infuriate me. I can’t relate to them and they are frustrating. Maybe we both like Justin Bieber, but a relationship based on squealing over a boy three years younger than me just really isn’t my cup of tea. I can only feign excitement over Selena Gomez or play pretend with Barbie Dolls for so long before I am dying of boredom. Maybe I’m cynical. Maybe I’m completely void of imagination, maybe I’m just a bitch – but I really cannot stand your kid and please keep them in line when you are in public. I don’t really like their Dora the Explorer backpack, it’s not interesting, and my forced “cool!” doesn’t sound any more believable to them than it does to you.

Molly is a senior Journalism/English/Broadcasting major at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. She’s not very good at small talk and English Bulldogs are her only vice. Follow her @gwacamolly on twitter or on Tumblr.

[Lead image via Stefan Glebowski/Shutterstock]