On Taking the Next Step and Being Friend-Zoned [Dear DBN]

Every once in a great while, you find the kind of love where you make eye contact with across the room and the world stops. In the meantime, which is to say most of the time, we’re left with the normal ebb and flow of regular human relationships, the ones peppered with uncertainty and obstacles. It’s hard to know when to move forward and when to just move on. This week, we’ll look at one gal trying to take the next step and one who regrets that she didn’t.

I’m living six hours from home, but get back there once a month or more. Last couple times I have been hanging out with a guy – some dates and a little shacking up. We’ve said we like each other but how can I advance things without being too pushy or moving too quickly?

If you guys have been shacking up, the next logical step is to only shack up with each other. It’s fair game to ask him if he’s fooling around with anyone else. That’s not just a territory question, that’s a safety concern. If you’re worried about spooking him, which it sounds like you are, then see how he responds to the idea of only hooking up with each other. A lot of people are label shy – be aware of this and know not to take it too personally. You can befriend an animal in the woods, but rarely by running straight at it. If he likes you enough to be with you, then agreeing to only sleep with each other will seem like an obvious idea. Guys don’t like to share.

Remember, one of the key foundations of any kind of relationship is proximity. Be prepared that he may not want to spend the time and/or money on building something so far out of reach. But if you like him enough to spend that time and money, you just make sure he meets you halfway.

First year of college, I started hooking up with this really sweet guy and things were going well and he mentioned how he wanted to get to know me better, but I dropped the friend bomb because I felt vulnerable. Couple months later he is dating this girl and now they seem to be in a serious relationship. I can’t stop thinking about him. What do I do? On a side note I am much more outgoing, friendly and much much prettier than her. Why doesn’t he want me!

He did want you. Then you rejected him. He’s taken the best of advice – when someone rejects you, move on and find someone who loves you. Having someone sweet want you isn’t a prize, it’s a huge responsibility. If a house is on the market, it’s not there just to give home buyers tours. It’s there to be sold, and this girl saw her dream home and you didn’t.

You very well might be prettier, friendlier and more outgoing, but you’re also vulnerable, unsure and a touch insecure. Who cares if he wants you? You didn’t want him! What you need to do now is figure out what you’re really ready for. He was ready to open up to you and you closed up shop early. Stop thinking about him and start trying to figure out what you’re so afraid of. His house is off the market, but are you sure you’re ready to look for another?

CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!

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