On Dating For Fun and Hating Your BFF’s BF [Dear DBN]

Potential is the warm blanket we’ve all been wrapped in since youth. We could do anything if we tried! Everyone has potential! It just takes a little effort! But it’s time to accept that that isn’t exactly true. Some relationships are going nowhere, some dudes are just assholes, and some girls prefer the dud over the search for the diamond. This week, we’ll see if it’s worth trying something you see no future in and what to do when your friend sees a future with something that isn’t worth her while.

How much forethought do you usually give a guy before seriously dating him? I like this guy, but I know him well enough to say I wouldn’t want to end up with him in the long run. Is it worth dating, or should we just be friends?

Dating can be pretty fun when it’s relaxed and the only wedding bells you hear are the ones that chime when you’re drunk at someone else’s reception. But there will always be one super shitty part of dating and it’s called communicating. Can you imagine being like, “Hey I like you and I want to bang parts pretty regularly, but just FYI I could never marry you, so let’s build something really complicated and then let it slowly fizzle and die in this really awkward manner when I get tired of it, probably right at the same time you realize you want to love me forever. Cool?”

Look, all relationships end except one (ideally, in this 1950s set up of love). There’s nothing wrong with having a little fun – as long as you’ve communicated to the other party that things are casual. A lot of relationships are actually formed out of people who never thought they’d be together, so really you never know. But if the whole thing is a tepid time-filler, then ditch the lame beau and pick up a hobby.

As for me personally, I’m either in love with you the moment I look at you or it’s never going to happen. But, to repeat myself, “a lot of relationships are actually formed out of people who never thought they’d be together, so really you never know.”

As long as communication is open and both parties are enjoying themselves, then why not?

My best friend is dating a total jerk. What’s the right way to slap some sense into her?

You’ve heard the phrase “like teenagers in love,” right? When someone is in love (lust, infatuation, what have you), they’re prone to act like teenagers not just when they’re together, but all the time. If you try the honest, forthright approach, it’s entirely plausible that she’ll storm off yelling, “You don’t know him like I do!” like a country song mid-chorus.

First, let’s talk about “total jerk.” There are degrees of this. I don’t want my friend dating some punk who honks his horn when he’s outside – but it might be him who needs sense slapped into him, not her. If, however, you’re watching your friend suffer in a relationship built on jealousy and oppression, you just need to be there for her, because she’s lying to herself, too. You need to be a safe zone that she can come to without having someone jump down her throat saying, “Dump that asshole!” because sometimes dumping an asshole can be pretty scary. She needs to learn she’s strong enough to do it on her own – and that there’s a support system there when she does. That support system is you. The more you tell her that her boyfriend is a dick, the less likely it is she’ll turn to you. It’s like Inception – you gotta make it her idea.

There’s also the interim jerk – the dude you just don’t like because you love her and you think she could do a lot better. If he’s not forgetting her birthday, making her cry, slapping her around, etc… if he just seems like a very bland waste of her time, then sorry mon amie, but you need to just keep your mouth shut. Imagine if someone was like, “Yo, your dog is really yappy and shits wherever it wants – you should get a new one,” you’d be like, “What the fuck, dude? This is my dog! I’m not just going to get a new one!” That’s what this is like. Her boyfriend is just a yappy dog with loose bowels, but it’s her dog. As long as it’s not mauling her face while she sleeps, you just need to accept the situation.

CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!

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