If you ever watched Pee Wee’s Playhouse, or Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, as a kid, you’ll remember his teasing phrase, “If you love it so much, then why don’t you marry it?!” Well, that’s how I feel about this month’s issue of GQ. Unlike last month, I knew that it was Michael Fassbender on the cover, and I immediately squealed with joy at the newsstand.
If you don’t know who Michael Fassbender is, then stop reading this article and go watch one of the five movies he came out with this year including Jane Eyre and X-Men First Class. He also starred in Prometheus, the prequel to the Alien franchise that came out earlier this month. He is handsome, charming, and super talented, but the large majority of the article focused on the obsession with large packages. He was naked quite a bit, or should I say a lot, in Shame. I love this man and consider him future husband material, so I would like it if he wasn’t reduced to his penis size. Despite the subject matter, I loved the article, and I will now use the phrase “pet hates” as Mr. Fassbender does.
While flipping through the magazine, I noticed that the majority of the ads were for watches, cologne, and alcohol. I now know that these three items are acceptable things for me to judge guys at the bar by. I’m now looking at the watch, smelling the scent, and expecting to taste nice liquor in the drink he bought me. This nice smelling, watch wearing, alcohol connoisseur should know how to pick me up considering that this issue teaches men how to do that as well.
GQ Says: “Glance at her face, her torso region, her shoes, and then back at her face while smiling a medium-size smile. Keep it natural. Looking a girl up and down should take no longer than counting to four.”
Tiffany Says: Preach. That four second rule is crucial, any longer than that and the glance gets super predatory. I am a woman, not your next meal.
GQ Says: “Don’t hand a girl your card. If you use Facebook as a verb, you’ve already lost. If she does give you her phone number, do the unthinkable and call.”
Tiffany Says: This advice seems like common sense, but some guys need to be told this. We are not business associates nor are we 15. There’s a reason why “Call Me Maybe” is a hit, and I’d prefer a phone call.
GQ Says: “If the call goes to voice mail, this is your time to shine. Be adorable. Clear your throat. Do that thing where you say a running commentary of exactly what you’re doing.”
Tiffany Says: In other words, a guy should channel his inner Hugh Grant. But if you’re not normally that endearing, make sure you know when to stop rambling. There’s a fine line between charming and annoying.
GQ takes landing a girl a step further by including a guide to buying the right engagement ring, and how to throw a dinner party. These things are important to do well, but GQ opened my eyes to people taking lessons to get better at sex. Reader, your eyes didn’t deceive you. Apparently, you can take lessons from a sex coach to learn better techniques. The sex coach watches you and your partner, or you going at it solo, and gives advice on how to do it better. This sounds strange on so many levels, but to each his own. If Fifty Shades of Grey can become a bestseller, then maybe taking sex lessons will become as common as taking surf lessons. Thanks for the enlightenment, GQ.