He’s Married and I Didn’t Know! [Ask A Dude]


Dear Dude,

So I met this guy 4 years ago. He’s about 10 years older than me and super successful. We met at SXSW, in Austin, TX and have literally been travel buddies for the past 4 years. He always invites me to exotic trips and pays for everything (bonus!). We talk every day even though I live in NYC and he lives in LA, and while we never said we were exclusive due to our circumstances, he made me feel like I was absolutely the only girl in his life. Then I kinda started wondering why he rarely invited me to LA…and thought it was weird that he didn’t have Facebook, but he always said he was ‘too old’ and it just wasn’t a part of his generation. We always travel with his best friend and his girlfriend. They recently got engaged and she found out that he was cheating on her. I am totally aware that this sounds like a soap opera. His girlfriend called me last week and told me the story of her guy cheating and then added this sweet tidbit of information, “By the way, Mike is married and has a baby.” What the fuck? So I’m not invited to your home because you have a wife and you don’t have Facebook, because you don’t want your wife to catch you in the act! Now what? He’s coming to NYC this weekend! We already have plans! Help!

Freaked out other woman

Dear Freaked out other woman,

Are you frakking kidding me? I think the heat wave is cutting power to my brain, because it sounds like you said you’ve been going on exotic adventures with a guy who’s been hiding a wife and child from you, and you didn’t even hear about it from him! Come on! Really? Really?!?! REALLY? 4 years he hid his wife and kid from you? And it’s his friend’s ex that tells you, not him? Only one thing left to do:

I think you should run faster than Lindsay Lohan during an FBI raid. You can try to hash it out, get some answers, yell, kick to the groin, castrate-plenty of options but the kind of deception you’re describing is legendary! Legendary.

Any decent society would kill him or put him to some use. He never planned to get caught. That seems clear. From what you’re describing, I don’t know if you would ever have found out. Would it have made a difference?
Some people don’t care about being the “other woman” in the situation. They’re not cheating, and they’re not asking for anything serious. It’s seen as the cheater’s decision, since he/she has everything to lose. “Not my business” becomes the motto so long as fun is had. And a lot of cheaters really hope they’ll never get caught.

That’s a near impossibility. Almost everyone gets caught or confesses. Sometimes it takes a week, 4 years, or 30 years, but it’s like playing Blackjack at the casino: the game’s rigged and the odds are against you. Every now and then the truth only comes out after the cheater’s in the ground, but the news makes the rounds.

I have a hard time seeing a scenario that doesn’t involve you asking, “What were you thinking?” If I were you, I’d cancel the plans or plan on getting a replacement. This guy’s pulled the wool over you for the length of an American Presidential term. How did he do it? Were there never any signs? It sounds like you had suspicions, did you just never ask or rationalize them away? I’m not implying responsibility, I’m just really curious how he did it? It’s like a magic trick, only someone should DEFINITELY be getting sawed in half.

At the end of the day this is about betrayal. He betrayed you. He lied to you. It’s one thing to enter into an affair by choice. He never gave you one, but now you have one. Make the one that involves him flying away and never coming back.

“You’re killin’ me, Smalls!”

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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