On Absence Making the Heart Grow Fonder and Sometimes Frustrated [Dear DBN]

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Space.  Great for NASA, shit for relationships.  When we’re taught that all guys want is sex, what’s a girl to do when what they actually want is space?  Sometimes it’s up for compromise, and other times just up for a goodbye.  This week, how to deal when your honey is backing away.

What does it mean when a guy wants “space”? I met this guy and I thought we hit it off. I’m talking 3 dates in 6 days with him initiating; each lasting about 5+ hours. We were talking on the phone/texting/e-mail. He went out of town last weekend and kept telling me how much he wished I was there w/ him. After he comes back, I suddenly get the “I want to be single. We’re moving too fast. Let’s date other people. Give me some space.” Haven’t even had sex yet. WTF happened? Any guesses?

Overexposure, fear of commitment, likes someone else…whatever the reason, he ding-date-ditched and you’ll probably never know why because he’ll never honestly tell you.  But this is his issue.  He’s the one who’s afraid of commitment, he’s the one who felt smothered, he’s the one who led you on.  These aren’t your problems, they’re his, and there’s no reason to dwell on them.  You were just following his lead, and he led you astray.

Some people are assholes.  Not guys, people.  And they’re gonna do shit that doesn’t make sense and hurts your feelings.  Do not dwell when this happens.  For the most part, it has nothing to do with you.  Just muster up your best Stephanie Tanner, say “How rude!” and be done with it.  Wondering why someone ding-date-ditched is like wondering where unidentified bruises come from.  You can spend a day and a half noting every protruding corner, but that won’t make the bruise go away.  You should maybe just stop rushing into things, literally and figuratively.

Next time, maybe avoid three dates in six days.  Absence (physically, technologically and a little emotionally) makes the heart grow fonder.  If you avoid the rush of lust, you have the time to find out if they’re someone you can trust.

Hey! So I’m finally dating my first boyfriend and it’s the greatest thing ever. However, since its summer, we haven’t seen each other for like 2 months. Since it’s sort of a “long distance relationship” over the summer, communication is everything, but that’s where the problem is. He says he’s “old school” and doesn’t like texting so I’m kind of confused as to what to do. I honestly don’t even feel like I’m in a relationship because we barely even talk! Any advice?

If he doesn’t like texting, call him.  If he doesn’t like/tolerate talking to you on the phone, dump him.

I am of the generation that used to spend hours on a landline talking until we both fell asleep.  Our phones only died if lightning knocked the power lines out.  Unless your man is down for some letter writing, then I believe that’s the old school he’s claiming to be a part of.  Old school doesn’t mean you don’t talk, it just means you don’t text.

Relationships are about meeting each other halfway.  He’s expressed what he wants, now it’s your turn.  Make it clear (without whining) that it’s important to you to talk to him several nights a week.  You have listened to his request to ease off on texting, and you have.  Now it’s time for him to give a little back.  Call him up just to chat.  Maybe he’ll be into it, but if he tries to push you off the phone, express how you’re feeling and see if y’all can’t work something out.

Remember, it’s not that he should like talking to you on the phone, it’s that he should be willing to do it occasionally if that’s what settles your soul.

CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!

COLLEGECANDY Writer
COLLEGECANDY Writer
I've written for Teen Vogue, Thought Catalog, Leveled Magazine, College Candy, How About We, and have been featured on several HuffPost Live segments. Creator and leader of Bold Moves October featured on xoJane and Neil Gaiman's blog. Both Neil and Jane appreciate boldness. I specialize in pep talks, very long bike rides, and matching my lipstick to my heels.
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