I was born with a skin-tone that falls somewhere between “fresh milk” and “blank paper.” I’ve heard every “where are the Seven Dwarves?” and “Ah! You’re blinding me!” joke in existence, replacing my joyful anticipation of summer with an ominous dread. As girls with non-glow-in-the-dark skin flounce down the street in their shorts and minis, my legs have been relegated to hot, dark jeans.
In years past, in order to reach the deep, savage “normal-people” color I have so longed for, I have resorted to the religious application of self-tanners, which, while making me darker, have also made me smellier. And we all know nothing is more appealing to a man than a girl who smells like chemicals and has weird, orange-streaked sheets. And to top it all off, after my daily self-tanning regimen, there would almost inevitably come the cruel mockery of the phrase, “You’re so light!”
And so, after too many self-conscious summers, with my shorts (and skin) hidden away, I have decided to forget my regimens, leave the jeans at home and embrace the light. That’s right, I’m pale, so suck it! White is in this season!
Sisters of the Pale Force, let us unite! Forget about smelly self-tanners and tedious bronzers; slap on some sun screen and go. Go out in your shorts, your skirts, your tank tops and bikinis! Stop risking your health, your money and your time trying to be something that you’re not. Fair skin is beautiful and we should embrace it, not hide it! After all, in 20 years all those perfectly bronzed girls will be getting Botox and we’ll be getting the younger men!
I don’t know who decided that tan is beautiful; clearly they had never seen Dita Von Teese’s porcelain skin. Or Nicole Kidman’s. Summer ’09 is the season of pale, so bring. it. on.
And to anyone who has a problem seeing past our legs: put on your sunglasses, that’s what they’re for.
[lead image of girl via Aleshyn_Andrei/Shutterstock]