Tuffy Luv Is Actually Sympathetic — This Guy SUCKS

Ask Tuffy Luv at tuffluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com
Dear Tuffy Luv,
Last summer, after my birthday party, my best guy friend kissed me and confessed his feelings for me. This wasn’t entirely a surprise, and I admit I let the kiss happen, because I wanted to see if it would spark the sexual feelings which were the only things lacking to keep me from instantly diving into a relationship with such a wonderful guy. They didn’t. When we talked things over the next day, I was somewhat cowardly in my confessions: I used the fact that we only had the summer before we went to separate colleges and my recent, very difficult breakup as excuses for why I couldn’t be with him. He was devastated, but assured me that this would not change our friendship.
We didn’t stop being friends, but over the rest of the summer our relationship took a turn for the strange. He became increasingly emotionally dependent on me. In order to avoid difficult times with his father at home, he would beg to spent the night and would sometimes insist I not leave him alone in our guest room, and instead share his bed. I didn’t know how to say no to these desperate requests, so I agreed. Perhaps inevitably, on one of these occasions, we ended up kissing again. I don’t remember why or how, I but I was the one who began it. Before I knew what was happening, he was fingering me. I stopped things pretty quickly after that and apologized profusely, but then never knew how to broach the subject again. But my guilt didn’t subside. I had taken advantage of him, but it wasn’t until May before I came home from college that I had the courage to tell him so, and to ask his forgiveness. He said that he had indeed been hurt and confused, but was excited to see me again. This turned out to be untrue.
When I got home, he barely spoke to me until one night he messaged me saying we needed to talk, then launched into a tirade about how because I had been dishonest about my feelings last summer, he could never trust me again. He said he was “capable of being friendly” to me, but that our friendship couldn’t be salvaged. I was absolutely stunned and spent half the night crying. We were friendly when we saw each other next, but then I went away for a summer internship and didn’t speak to him again. Now I’m home, and though while I was away I was content to cut off the friendship entirely, now that I’m back and seeing mutual friends and hearing he talked about, I’m livid. I don’t deny that I behaved very badly– but he is partly to blame in all of this, and I want him to know it. I don’t want him to think that he is somehow the good angel in this situation, or that his lack of sympathy and generosity is at all appropriate for all of the things we went through together as friends before any of this ever happened. Is there anything I can do? Or do I just need to accept that this is all exactly what I deserve?
Mean Girl
Dear Mean Girl,
I actually think you’re totally in the right. I know, readerinos. You’ve never heard Aunt Tuffy talk this way. But for real real. This is something that grates Aunt Tuffy’s cheese. Like, there are a lot of guys out there who become obsessed with women. And then when the woman doesn’t return their affection, they make her out to be a horrible person. Girl, please. Can we stop allowing men to act this way?! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU.
Anyway, it seems like that is what happened to you here. Dude was like, “Wah, I like you,” and you were actually KIND about it. And I think that’s a really great thing. You were like, “Well you’re great, but it can’t work out.” And then you were mature enough to tell him the truth after time had passed, so he could calm down and you even apologized for leading him on (WOW), and he STILL was a total shoophead about it. Doophead. Floophead, even.
You were kind AND mature. AND you even APOLOGIZED (which, in my opinion, you did not have to do, but I give you super points for doing it!). And he turned around and acted like you were cruel to him. SERIOUSLY?! You were CLEARLY there for him in a time that was apparently VERY emotionally difficult for him. You let him STAY OVER and even slept IN THE BED with him just so he could be okay. And he has the NERVE to act like YOU were insensitive?! NO.
You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. And he did NOT, in retrospect, deserve to be treated as fairly and kindly as you treated him. But you did the right thing. And you keep on doing it. Go, girl. Karma’s got your back. Now is the time to have a discussion with him. Tell him, in person, how you feel. And then, honestly, I think this friendship can be done. He wanted to be in a relationship with you and, now that it’s clear you never wanted that with him, he’s using his hurt feelings as a righteous shield. It’s a defense mechanism. His ego couldn’t handle the rejection so he’s holding it against you. But that’s no excuse for being an ashhole to a former best friend.
Tell him the truth and then say goodbye. And keep on being the awesome person you clearly are.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv
[lead image via Yuri Arcurs/Shutterstock.com]

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