Can I Date My Ex's BFF? [Ask A Dude]

Dear Dude,
I’m wondering if it’s okay to date my ex’s good friend.
I had a crush on my Ex for about a year, but we went to a concert together and that’s where I met his Friend (Who was so much more caring and friendly than my ex). I crushed on his friend a little, but I was convinced that my Ex was the one for me. Now that we have broken up (he dumped me and was apparently flirting with other girls), I regret not choosing his friend.
The immature side of me is saying “He’s a grown man, it’s his fault if he wants to get all uppity over this,” but the Mature side says, “Go after some other dude, don’t start drama. I’m sure I can find someone who keeps my interest”.
But I really like this guy. We have the same music taste and he’s adventurous and nice; he doesn’t make me second guess myself and is kinda hot.
It’s been 3 or more months since my Ex and I broke up and I’ve dated here and there. I’m not trying to make him jealous or mad. I just don’t want to regret over looking a wonderful person.
Please give me your honest opinion, thanks a lot 🙂
Thanks,
Torn between my ex and the next
Dear Torn between my ex and the next,
Is it okay to date the friend of an ex? That’s a loaded question with a simple answer.
I mean, technically, yes, absolutely it is. Your ex has no domain over who you do or don’t date. At all. And it’s your ex’s job to deal with the situation. Now, that’s the idealistic way of looking at the situation. The risk is, most certainly, the possibility of DRA-MA. But, would the drama be worth the risk? That’s for you to decide.
It’s freaking weird when your ex starts dating your friend. Okay? Period. It’s just, it’s just going to stir some sh*t up whether you want to or not, whether he’ll admit or not, it will. Even if your ex is with someone else, it’s going to bug the f*ck out of him, even just a tiny tiny tiny bit.
Guys tend to get a bit territorial about women they’ve dated. Not endorsing the behavior or the mindset but being realistic. It’s often coming out of a primal knee-jerk reaction. There’s always the memories and the “what if” question nagging you somewhere in your subconscious. Maybe it’s an evolutionary thing. A potential mate chooses a competitor you know over you. It’s always easier when your ex is dating someone you have NO CHANCE IN HELL of running into. We can pretend he doesn’t exist. When we have to see you being happy with someone we know? It’s a blow to balls, generally metaphorically. But what’s funny is that the relationship at risk isn’t the one with you and your ex but between your ex and his friend. And that’s why I think it’s totally cool for you to go after the friend.
See, this isn’t your mess to get into. It’s the ex’s friend’s also. And you never know, it might not be a mess at all and you’re just thinking worst-case scenario. There’s the “bro code” defense about never dating a friend’s ex but that’s BS. There’s also just wanting to take your friend’s feelings into account and not wanting to risk the friendship. And that’s the friend’s decision to deal with and not yours. If you’re really not trying to make this about you and your ex but are genuinely interested in his friend, then sure, broach the subject, try to see if that door will open. Just be cool about doing it. The bigger deal you make it, the bigger deal it becomes. If this guy’s someone you really think you could connect with then see where it leads. Life’s short. There’re always more options but not always great options. Don’t end up with a regret.
The flip side: Is it cool for a friend to date your ex? That’s another Ask A Dude waiting to happen and I’m begging someone writes in about it.
Godspeed Stanley Goodspeed,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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