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What I Learned From This Month’s GQ [September Edition]

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How do you trick a man into buying the biggest fashion issue of the year? You put a football player on the cover. Better yet, you give the reader a choice between TWO football players on the cover.

When I walked up to the newsstand, I was expecting to see Tim Tebow’s burly face gracing the front of September’s GQ, but instead I spotted a chocolate man with a smile bright enough for a toothpaste commercial. This delicious man on the cover happened to be Cam Newton, the quarterback for the North Carolina Panthers. Being a born and bred North Carolinian, I got super excited even though I had no idea who he was. I snatched up the last copy and left Tebow’s smoldering face on the stands. While on the topic of Tebow though, I happened to like his Jesus on the cross pose. He’s hardly the first person who tried to look like a sexy Jesus. I heard that the picture was old and photoshopped to look that dramatic anyway.

On a different note, the editor of GQ enlightened to the fact that three of our Republican presidents have been male cheerleaders. If Mitt Romney is elected, then he would be the fourth after George W., Reagan and Dwight Eisenhower. I don’t know about you but I could see how a cheerleading skills would come in handy when it comes to being the president. Campaigning is basically holding giant pep rallies for the nation, and the more enthusiastic the candidate is, the more the crowd will believe in the message. So future presidential hopefuls, you may want to consider going to a cheer camp or two.

As with any September issue, there are tons of ads before you get to the magazine’s content. I’d like to take the time to give a shout-out to Dolce & Gabbana for making my favorite ad. The ad is just good looking models standing on some steps, looking like they’re extras from The Newsies. Between two of the male models, is an old lady looking like, “I know you’re jealous of me and my cubs. We’re werkin’ this step!” Get it grandma cougar, I’m not mad at you. Of course, I could be interpreting this ad all wrong but this explanation makes me happy. I want to have that much sass when I’m an octogenarian.

Speaking of old people, GQ featured an editorial on grandpa style. Two of the men in their office dress as if they are channeling someone’s pops and little bro at the same time. Imagine the visual of loud patterned suits with flourescent Nikes. Not my favorite look, but to each his own and all that. The other fashion editorial I liked a lot was something I’ve dubbed, “Cute Guys Wearing Coats.” Pretty self-explanatory.

After perusing for pictures of attractive men, I read an article entitled, “Warning: This New Friendship Will Self-Destruct in 24 Hours.” I am forever thankful to this piece since I now know the term “one-night bro stand.” A one-night bro stand is exactly what it sounds like–men become bros for one night after bonding over a shared experience. The one-night stands usually occur at parties where their spouses are pre-occupied or anytime heavy drinking is involved. And just like a regular one-night stand, the parties involved will never speak again. I would just like to say that women have been doing this for years.  We meet another girl in the bathroom, bond over the lack of toilet paper and AC at the party. Back on the dance floor, we’ll raise a glass to one another and protect each other from weirdos. At the end of the night, we part ways.  But unlike men, we have no need to come up with a special term for being friendly.

But there was one article I whole-heartedly agreed with, and it was, “If I See One More Ass, I’m Gonna Crack!” This piece is a basically a plea for men to stop wearing skinny jeans that expose their butt cracks. I’ve known that phrase, “crack kills” since I was a kid (I also like to add on, “Crack is wack. Crack is cheap.” Thanks, Whitney. RIP.) No one wants to see anyone’s derriere, so it’s one of the many mottos I tend to live my life by. The author’s solution to wearing fashionable jeans and avoiding crack slips is to wear a tank top underneath your shirt and tuck it it. Ladies and gentlemen, start doing this NOW. You’ll be thankful that your behind isn’t making an appearance and others will appreciate this small gift as well.

Overall, this issue was a million times better than the last (sorry JGL). I saw a lot of eye candy, read a lot about football, learned about how to drink white wine, and found out about a club in Las Vegas, where you can purchase a 30-liter bottle of champagne for $250,000. I’m sure none of this information is useful but you never know. Maybe one of these topics will come up in bar trivia.

COLLEGECANDY Writer
Graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill. She's one of those people who loves school (or is afraid of the real world) so, she's getting her MFA in Screenwriting from the University of Southern California. If she's not writing, then she's writing. Or if she's really not writing, she's watching Netflix (aren't we all?).