Recap: The Vampire Diaries, Season 4, Episode 2 [A Bro’s Thoughts]

Was it just me, or did this episode feel like the episode that should have been the season premiere? Didn’t plenty of people die over season three where Mystic Falls could have had a memorial service for the hell of it? Whatever. I digress. There was a lot of character development in this episode, not a ton of plot line. Also, points deducted for no Original Family members cause they’re the best. Let’s get to the thick of it.

In Which There’s A New Mysterious Black Guy In Town Because Let’s Keep Ripping Off Buffy

I mean seriously, the writers of TVD have to get it together. Maybe it’s because Buffy was a little before this audience’s time, but anyone over the age of I’d say 20 knows all about how Buffy had that weird black dude in the final season who you didn’t know was good or evil but just hated vampires. This new guy, Connor Jordan (Todd Williams), has got Mystic Falls on his toes as the new vampire hunter. Just like Sunnydale. Connor seems to be gathering information rather than going on a slaughterfest though, so my money’s on him coming over to the Salvatore side before the season’s out. Or at least getting killed while trying to do the right thing. That tends to happen a lot in Mystic Falls. (And Sunnydale.)

In Which Elena Keeps Puking All Over The Place Because Stefan’s An Idiot

Point to whoever came up with the idea of Elena not being able to be all awesome and go the animal-blood-only vampire route. (I mean, Twilight much? Blegh. Lame.) Stefan’s whole ‘Elena’s Awesome’ campaign got old really fast. It took you like thousands of years to get your animal diet together, bro. You really think this b*tch is just going to jump the shark after only having fangs for like three days? She probably doesn’t even know how fangs come out of her head yet! Come on, man.

However, of all people, Matt had to be the first person she drank blood from directly? Yeah, he’s a goner. Seriously. There’s no way his whole atonement thing (which is really wussy, by the way) doesn’t end in him getting sucked dry by Elena cause he does something stupid. Also, during the whole church-bathroom-puking-for-the-80th-time sequence: Was I the only one who was like, “That Bitch Is DEFINITELY Fucking Up The Linoleum On That Toilet. Blood Don’t Come Out That Easy.” Just me? Oh, okay.

In Which The Audience Realizes That Vamp-on-Vamp Blood Sucking Is Equal To High School Handjobs or Blowjobs

You gotta give Damon his props though. He knows Elena won’t do the down and dirty with him since earlier in the episode she’s trying to hold back blood puke while molesting Stefan in the woods. He knows that blood puking really isn’t that attractive and he doesn’t want his dream girl looking like that. But he does know that Elena doesn’t know all the rules yet of Vamp Sexy Time. You see the look in Damon’s eyes when Elena started sucking his blood? I’ve had that look before. It was that one time I got that girl like sophomore year in high school to leave geometry class with me for a quick hummer in the bathroom. Yeah. Pretty much the same situation here for Damon, but who knew that vamp-on-vamp blood sucking was equal to teenage sexual escapades? It’s immature, but we can’t expect anything less from Damon.

In Which Caroline Is In Her Bra & Panties Once Again Because GRATUITY

I don’t really have much to say about this other than there must have been some kind of producer or something that spotted Candice Accola in a bikini somewhere during the summer break and said, “Man, we gotta have her half naked in EVERY EPISODE.” Sure, we’re only two episodes in (and I’m not complaining by any means, because she is an absolute smokeshow), but if we get another bra shot next week, I’m calling it: Candice Accola will be half naked for at least 12 episodes this season. Mark my words people. Mark them.

┬áIn Which You Realize How Much Of A Bummer Jeremy’s Life Has Been

This episode was called “Memorial” but the ending sequence made the audience realize that Jeremy really doesn’t have it too easy. Everyone was spitting out like two or three names of people they lost that they wanted to remember, and then Jeremy walks up and is like “Hold It. I Got This.” and proceeds to rattle off this endless list of people!

Conclusion: If you were once Jeremy’s slam piece, distant relative or father figure, you’re dead. It’s that simple. Sure, Bonnie’s still alive, but she’s got a whole spirit world mad at her (and Kat Graham is trying to start a music career IRL) so how long do you think she’s going to last? I’m not holding out too much hope for this new April Young (Grace Phipps) girl. You know she’ll mack it with Jeremy regardless, but she just got stabbed in her first appearance, and well, if you let Jeremy take you out, the grim reaper will come knocking.

We’re two episodes in, and I already feel like The Vampire Diaries are dragging their feet a little bit. In back-to-back weeks we’ve had way more character development than storyline, and sure, Elena’s a vampire and all, but that’s handled now. I hope by next week we get some ideas on what this new evil coming to town is. If not, let’s hope they at least bring back Klaus and Rebekah next week.

Recap: The Vampire Diaries, Season 4, Episode 1 [A Bro’s Thoughts]
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