First things first, I usually give The Vampire Diaries some props for picking out dope music from episode to episode. However, that Internet Explorer commercial song during what was supposedly a “steamy” vamp make out session between Elena and Stefan totally threw me off. I audibly groaned. It was horrible. Whoever was the music supervisor for this episode should be fired. I’m not kidding. Anyway, let’s get to the recap!
In Which Elena Does A Vamp Keg Stand And Ruins A Good Party But Has A Terrible Vamp Hangover Because EMOTIONS
First things first, is there any way I can coin the term ‘blood-slut’? That’s the only way that I feel like I can describe Elena. She’s sucking blood off of Damon in the bathroom, going to her old make out spots with Matt to get her suck wrist Kool-Aid, and rummaging through underwear drawers to get some liquor in order to quell her blood sucking needs. She’s sucking so much, she might be a vacuum! (Corny joke, but whatever.) If those aren’t key qualities to a blood-slut, then I don’t know what is.
The whole idea about vampires having heightened emotions developing into murderous tendencies really could make this show better. Stefan being all noble is holding back some true badass scenes. I mean, a kitchen fight with Elena and Rebekah would have been AMAZING. Instead, we get Elena all pissy after her daylight ring gets stolen and she decides to DRINK AN ENTIRE KEG UPSIDE DOWN because, you know, vampire reasons. Way to be a buzzkill, Elena. Not everyone in Mystic Falls was recently granted supernatural powers. You’re killing the vibe, homegirl.
Her hallucinations about Damon, though? A little too forced for my taste. I mean, I know that the love triangle is the plot line that drives the entire series forward, but cockblocking Stefan because of a bad werewolf venom hangover after doing that keg stand was pretty lame. Elena’s a vampire, now. She should be expected to be able to hold like a bazillion times over her weight in booze.
In Which Vampire Hunters Do Dental Work Because That’s Part Of The Job Description
The opening sequence with Connor sucking out some werewolf venom from hybrid Tyler didn’t make too much sense to me. After all, he is a hybrid, so is that really werewolf venom getting sucked out of his gums? Plus, there had to have been an easier way to do that. Maybe it’s just my own phobias with gums and needles, but faking out the worst faux mall-cop ever just to get some plaque juice really could have been avoided if you just found a recently deceased werewolf, right? I mean, there’s gotta be residue of that stuff somewhere. You really needed a live sample, bro?
In Which Tyler Gets A New Slam Piece Because The Writers Know We All Secretly Want Klaus & Caroline To Hook Up
Whoever cast this new girl, Hayley (Phoebe Tonkin), needs to get their act together. Sure, she’s got CW ties since she’s a Secret Circle castoff, but her Australian accent was bleeding all through the few scenes she had, and it was taking my attention away from how awesome she looked in those daisy dukes. Introducing an ‘other woman’ storyline into Tyler’s life is legit in my book since he’s been shacked up with Caroline for the entire series. Give him the girl with the bad American accent. Let Caroline get her Royal Family freak on!
In Which Rebekah Tripping Balls Makes Her Grow A Conscience
Speaking of the Royal Family, how aimless of a character is Rebekah? She’s like Gretchen Weiners: always trying to make something like “fetch” work, but it never really catches on. Her whole I’m-Angry-At-The-World bitch mode is the only mode we really know of her. It’s time for some development. It took a little dose of werewolf venom for her to trip out, imagine ripping out someone’s heart, and be nice to the girl that you know Jeremy’s eventually going to bang. Those are A LOT of plot points for Rebekah considering she’s just been whining about her brothers and sisters for the past season. It’s sad how much she wants to bang Matt though, because that kid definitely seems to have some sort of death wish. He’s getting killed off by mid-season. Calling it!
In Which Damon & Klaus Would Make The Greatest Supernatural Buddy-Cop Show Since, Well, Supernatural
Let’s be honest, how awesome was the Damon/Klaus team up? I seriously could watch those two just mess around and interrogate people for 40 minutes every week. There’s no good cop/bad cop vibe with them. It’s more: Slyly Funny Cop Because I Think I’m A Total Badass (Klaus)/Obnoxiously Funny Cop Because I Never Let Go Of My Middle School Mentality (Damon).
We got some big plot points because of their brief bromance, though. Apparently there’s some lineage of vampire hunters called “The Five” that we all need to pay attention to because Klaus knows about it and thinks it’s important. Even though the argument can be made that everything Klaus does is important, this seems particularly special due to him seemingly being the only one who knows about the “great evil” heading to Mystic Falls. Klaus always has his hands in some evil plot to try and take over the world. He always fails though. It kind of reminds me of that show Pinky & The Brain. It’s sad that he’s got that on his mind rather than locking down Caroline.
Overall, this week we got much more Elena being bitchy than necessary, no half-naked Caroline gratuity, and a real slow burn on eventually revealing the Season 4 Big Bad. While I’ve always been excited about finding out more about the history of Mystic Falls and how all this craziness plays into each other, I feel like three seasons worth of it is kind of overkill. I really just want to know what’s up with this “The Five” crew, so we can get them to kill this “Great Evil” and move on to Damon and Stefan bitching about who’s actually going to get to bang Elena first as a vamp since it seems like Stefan can’t close the deal. With Damon moving in on Elena to teach her how to be a “real vampire”, it seems like Stefan might have some actual worries since Elena’s a big blood-slut and loves a good wrist vein from Damon. It was a good third episode, but let’s hope next week has a little more meat to it.