Dear Tuffy Luv,
Hi! I’ve been reading your work for some time now! I found the column when I was bored during the summer before freshmen year, and I’m glad to see it continues today (I’m a sophomore now). As you can probably guess, my question’s about a boy. A very nice one, but very human – he’s not without his faults. We met each other in fall through a mutual friend (who actually really liked him…caused some drama), but didn’t start talking much until winter.
That being said ], the short of the story is that my friends – including his and my mutual friend – were convinced that he was very, very interested. And me being on the positive side of the hill, fell hard. We did a lot of couple-y stuff, but one day I found out through one of his friends that he was seeing someone else…I was pretty heartbroken. I confronted him. He admitted up to it and said that he only saw me as a friend. And me, desperately trying to save face, said the same. Then my feelings grew out of proportion for him, oddly enough, because after only three weeks, he was done with the girl.
By that point, we were somehow close enough for me to come over and even cuddle…causing my brain to go into total overdrive. A lot more happened, but it’s all along similar lines, so I’ll save space. We never went beyond cuddling though. Before I could blink, he was with someone else. When I asked about the cuddling, he merely answered that he does that with everyone. I was so utterly confused. He said that since he never did ask me out officially like to “coffee” or make a move (this was gathered by me) when he had the chance, I guess my place in friend-zone was pretty set.
Freshmen year ended with bad grades and a heartbreak.
We stayed in touch over the summer though and hung out a few times. By this point, I was involved in a FWB sort of thing with another guy (which was also probably a mistake) and somehow this brought us closer. So now, we’re closer friends than ever. Actually we cuddled a few times, and since I was okay, I figured I was over him.
I’m writing to you for two reasons:
1. He is now one of my closest friends. Emotional support, a good hug/cuddle sesh I need, he’s there. But in my heart of hearts, I know that we’re never dating, and as soon as he is seeing someone for real, the cuddle sesh is definitely a no. I think he’s a good guy, but he’s done a lot to hurt me. True, he didn’t know about a lot of it, but I don’t know what to make of it sometimes. Usually he’s such a good friend that I don’t think about it. Is it dangerous to keep him this close?
2. I don’t think I’ll fall for him again, but…sometimes I wonder if I’m using him as a “pseudo boyfriend”…I’m pretty certain that I don’t like him that way anymore… But am I being a total idiot?
Confused more than ever
Dear Confused more than ever,
I mean…dude’s made it pretty clear he’s not interested romantically. So…yeah, basically you should stop cuddling him. Let’s take this bit by bit, okay?
You like this guy. This guy likes to cuddle with you but has made it very clear he doesn’t want to actually date you. You tell him you don’t want to date him either. *SIDE NOTE: Guys are simple creatures and when we tell them shoop, they actually, you know, BELIEVE it.* So, like, then he dates someone, you hook up with someone, and suddenly you’re both single again. You still know he doesn’t want to date. You write Aunt Tuffy.
And why do you write Aunt Tuffy? BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD NOT CUDDLE HIM. Oh sure, cuddling is all fun and games — until someone gets hurt. Cuddling is serious business.
But, seriously, listen. To answer your first question: YES. It is a BAD IDEA to keep him that close. You can still be equally good friends with him, but STOP CUDDLING. I am so serious. For him, it’s just a warm body, and he’s been upfront about that. But for you, there’s obviously a history and some feelings up in there, so cut that shoop out.
Second question, same as the first, but a little bit louder and a little bit worse. You’re not being a “total idiot,” but you are definitely setting yourself up to get hurt. You see the boundaries of your relationship (friends only) but you’re secretly (subconsciously? nah, you DID write in, after all) hoping it’ll turn into something more. It’s not going to turn into something more. So don’t wait around for him. Go meet a nice guy and get your needs met where they actually WILL get met.
Stop cuddling, girl. For real.
Hearts & Skulls,
Ask Tuffy Luv. Or whatever. tuffyluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com