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On Having Sex With and Without Strings Attached [Dear DBN]


It’s just sex, right?  Ha, wrong!  Sex is an emotional minefield.  You can cross it successfully, but you better be careful.  This week, I tackle some of the complications of getting laid outside of an agreed upon arrangement.

I need to get laid. I mean I really need to get laid. But I know I’m not in a place where I want a relationship, hooking up with a total stranger freaks me out, and I’m scared of ruining a friendship or making things really awkward. What do I do?

Get a vibrator.  I’m serious.  You don’t need to get laid, you need to relax.  This freaks you out, and this makes you scared, and this makes you awkward – slow down, Tizzy McPanic.  Sex, however therapeutic, is not a prescription.  And if it doesn’t come naturally, then it likely won’t help.  I would love to go home tonight to a bottle of Malbec, a straight Matt Bomer and find that my legs had shaved themselves, but it’s not gonna happen.  We all want magical, awesome sex all the time.  Really.  We do.  But it’s not a great panacea.  And you know that, since you already ruled out all your options in your own question.  No quote or phrase is going to instantly make you cool with rando-bar-sex, and no set of riddles will unlock the key to a successful Friends With Benefits situation.  You’ve basically just announced you’re part of the 73% of the population that wants to get laid tonight and isn’t going to.  Welcome to our club.  Our past-times include bubble baths, YouPorn and wrist exercises.  Have a glass of wine and get used to it.

Look, riding the roller coaster of love is awesome, but it only relieves your stress and brings out childlike glee for about ten minutes.  Go for a run.  They last longer.

I’ve been spending time with my ex-boyfriend from a long term relationship since we broke up a couple months back, and we have slept together on a couple occasions since the break up. He confessed to me that a few weeks ago he also slept with a random girl he met. Even though we’re not in a relationship, I still feel upset, shocked, and betrayed. What should I do? How can I recover from this?

Well, for one, you should probably stop sleeping with your ex-boyfriend, and that will be difficult.  Long term relationships don’t break so much as they dissolve, decay, disintegrate, what have you.  But the truth is, he’s trying to recover from a break-up just as much as you are.  And him sharing with you that he slept with someone else is actually pretty thoughtful considering that it’s technically none of your business.  You are still emotionally invested in this person.  You need to step back, out of his bedroom, and think about what you want.  Because you can’t have your cake and not let him have his, so to speak.  Exclusivity, loyalty, these are two way streets and they need to be discussed, not assumed.

Shock and betrayal are emotions of the heart, my friend.  And that heart is speaking loud and clear about what she’s comfortable with, so you should probably communicate that to your bed partner… or at the very least, to your own libido.  If you can’t take the betrayal, get out of the bedroom… or something like that.

CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!

    I've written for Teen Vogue, Thought Catalog, Leveled Magazine, College Candy, How About We, and have been featured on several HuffPost Live segments. Creator and leader of Bold Moves October featured on xoJane and Neil Gaiman's blog. Both Neil and Jane appreciate boldness. I specialize in pep talks, very long bike rides, and matching my lipstick to my heels.