Dear Tuffy Luv,
About three months ago I moved to a new town as a college freshman. Since moving here I’ve been having a really difficult time making and keeping friends. I live alone so the people I meet are usually in my classes. I haven’t had an issue talking to guys, however I can’t seem to keep in contact with them once we’ve hung out. There have been two particularly frustrating instances that have really driven me to seek your advice. I hung out with one guy for about 8 hours; we just talked and really connected, and he told me how great a person I was and how I was so different from other girls, blah blah blah. We didn’t do anything but talk and the conversation was great; I thought for sure I’d found a great friend. Yet alas, weeks later he did not write me and he did not respond to my texts (I know that sounds clingy, I only sent 2 texts though), or would respond with one word responses in an obvious display of disinterest.
So okay, I can take a hint – I was confused but I thought it’s not me, it’s him. However, more recently, I hung out with a guy from my class–this time lasting 10 hours! Again, we just talked, walked around, then talked some more. We had a great time, I guess I can only speak for myself, but I felt like neither of us really wanted to end the night. He said so many times how interesting I was, and great and cool….so then what gives?
I saw him in class a few days later and he acted completely different, and he just cancelled our plans for tonight saying, “It’s just not a a good time.” I mean, I feel like in both these cases I really connected with these guys. I was under the impression that these were completely platonic relationships. In both cases, I was the one to ask them to hang out. Yes, they both made positive comments about my appearance, but neither of them tried to make any moves or behave in any way other than a friend. So why is it that they don’t want to talk to me anymore?
It’s really getting to me because this has happened with not one, but two guys and I’m starting to question what I could be doing wrong. The only thing I can think of is that they possibly wanted more and felt like I didn’t. But if that were the case wouldn’t they want to hang out with me again to at least try for me? It’s like, they have a great time hanging out with me (as they both said they had) but then once they have time to sit and think about it, they flip 180. I am so confused and feeling a little hurt.
On the bright side, I am definitely getting used to rejection and learning not to get my hopes too high about anyone. I just wish I knew if there was something I was doing wrong, as I seem to be the common denominator in these situations. Maybe hanging out for that long isn’t a good on the “first hangout”, but it just felt so natural in both cases. Please let me know what you think. I’m not desperate to reach out to them if they aren’t receptive, but maybe there’s something I should know for future situations. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Dear So Confused,
I admire your eloquence, but giiiiiiiiirl. First of all, you are totally overthinking all of this. Most dates don’t turn into anything. If everyone got together with everyone they ever hung out with, no one would ever be single.
Second of all, you’re saying you thought these bajillion hour hangouts were platonic. WHAAAAAAT. Are you kidding me?! No guy is hanging out with you for 8-10 hours because he’s looking for a new friend.
My guess is, both these guys got the idea that you wanted to be romantically involved. Why would they get that idea? Well, maybe because (1) you asked them to hang out one-on-one, (2) you drank up all their compliments about your looks and how you were different from other girls etc., and (3) BECAUSE YOU HUNG OUT WITH THEM FOR A BAJILLION FLOOPING HOURS.
I’m guessing these guys felt rejected. They probably thought you were on a date (which, uh, sorry, you were) and then suddenly were totally uninterested romantically because you had decided these were “platonic relationships” and that neither guy tried to “behave in any way other than a friend.” HANGING OUT FOR 8-10
YEARS HOURS MEANS HE’S INTERESTED IN BEING MORE THAN JUST A FRIEND.
Okay, girl, here’s what you do.
Like you said, let go of both of these. Unless you really want to seriously date one of them, no need to lead them on any more. Next time you ask a guy to hang out, cap it at 3-4 hours tops. Leave a little bit to the imagination, yes? He doesn’t need to know everything about you the very first time he meets you.
And don’t ask a guy to hang out one-on-one if you just want to make a friend, unless it’s for like a half-hour coffee. Even then, it’s sort of hard to express to dudes that you just want to be friends (yes, that’s unfair; hello and welcome to reality).
Join some extracurricular activities, youknowwhatimsayin?! Seriously. Find a club or a group that is interested in something you’re interested in and join that shoop. It’s a great way to meet both friends AND guys.
I gotta say, though, I think it’s way cool that you’re trying to see what YOU have to do with the situation and how you can take action. So I give you big kudos, girl. Just tone it down, hang out in groups, and you’re definitely going to meet a lot of people who appreciate you for you…even for 10 hours at a time.
Hearts & Skulls,
Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv tuffyluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com.