What I Learned From This Month’s GQ (December Edition)

Christmas came early! After a meh November issue, GQ didn’t disappoint this month with the December issue. I’m sure everyone’s seen the Rihanna pics from this issue. This cover is tame compared to what’s inside. If you haven’t seen the inside pics, FIND THEM. You can see her nipple ring, which looks very painful if you ask me. But I actually didn’t buy the Rihanna cover, instead making a Sophie’s Choice between my two main men, Ben Affleck and Channing Tatum. Ben’s look the best he ever has but I had to give it to the man of the year, Mr. Magic Mike himself. On his cover, he’s straightening out his tie like the boss that he is.

After I actually opened the issue, I found out that the Men of Year issue has a special name among the staff at GQ. It’s called, the MO-tee. So if you see a fellow GQ reader, bond with them over your superior knowledge of insider magazine nicknames. Since it is the last issue of the year, GQ goes all out with its best of the year products. I know this magazine isn’t targeted at a 21 year-old broke as hell college student but some of the products they featured were a bit ridiculous. Case in point, apparently you can buy a dog collar for $310 and a leash for $440. Every dog I’ve ever met tends to tug on their leash and/or bite it, so I’m not sure it’s worth the investment. But my favorite overpriced item was the $6,000 toilet! You know how you can always find used toilets on the side of the road or at random garage sales? I’d like to find this one since its motion sensor will detect when you’re ready to do your business and toilet cover automatically lifts for you. It will also heat your feet and derrière while telling you that your shit doesn’t stink. Classy, classy.

The alcohol advertisers also appeal to this classy, $6,000 toilet owning man. I’ve noticed that all of the alcohol ads conjure up an image of an a refined older gentleman drinking scotch as he loosens his tie and relaxes after work. He’s the man we all want to be when we drink. Slogans like Ketel One’s “A Gentleman’s Call” help promote this mentality. The same gentlemen these ads want is the same guy who likes his smutty reading to be highbrow as well. Leave it to GQ to help this market out. I was surprised to find a John Updike novel on the list because I thought he only wrote about rabbits but apparently he’s written quite the dirty novel in Couples. One of his other suggestions, girls by Nic Kelman, just sounds kinky after reading that it made the bondage in Fifty Shades sound like kids play. I would suggest reading one of these books while nursing a whiskey and listening to GQ’s “Baby-Makin’ Music Playlist.” They break down the suggestions by the kind of baby-makin you’d do to each song. My personal faves are “Angels” by the xx for that “…soulful eye-contact sex,” “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey for “…Stupid, drunk sex,” and “Bandz a Make Her Dance” by Juicy J for “…A dry hump in the champagne room.” Noted.

As the end of the year issue, the December issue has the responsibility of reinforcing valuable lessons learned from the year. In the editorial, “Log Me Off the Blarg-o-sphere,” the writer pleads for people to stop using Interweb speak in professional e-mails. I one hundred percent agree with this but the writer made me feel dumb for saying Tina Fey’s word, “Blarg!” Apparently, she is the only one who can pull it off but as I sit here typing I feel that I am channeling Liz Lemon so, “blarg, blarg, blarg, BLARG!” Out of my system now. But you know what should really die in 2012? The Twitter handles “#YOLO” and “#Shit [any plural noun here] say.” We need to make room for our new Twitter obsessions by killing the old ones. This post will serve as a figurative burial for them.

You know how TIME always has it’s 100 Most Influential People of the Year issue? GQ takes the time to remember those who didn’t make a difference this. Among their list of (dis)honorees were:

1. Amanda Bynes for her terrible driving and legal trouble

2. Mitt Romney for being Mitt Romney and not shaking up politics

3. Ryan Lochte for making Americans look like douches at the Olympics

4. The director of John Carter aka the biggest movie flop in history

5. Aaron Sorkin for creating “the most hate-watched show of the season”

I won’t tell you everyone on the list but those were some of my faves. Overall GQ, I’ve had a good year with you. Can’t wait to see what’s in store on the other side.

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